Monday, March 06, 2006

My Gidget

Did you ever know that something bad was happening, but felt like if you didn't acknowledge it that it couldn't be really happening? Does that make any sense? I guess that's part of the reason why I posted the Happy Bunny thing earlier. I was trying to be in denial. If I'm happy and acting like nothing is wrong, then nothing must be wrong, right?

I know I've posted about my Gidget before. I got her a little over a year ago. This woman my old boss knew let me have her because she didn't feel like housebreaking her. The poor thing was almost three, and she didn't know how to walk on a leash or the sit command or ANYTHING. Her fur was all matted too, and she was terribly overweight. I got her home, gave her a haircut, taught her sit and stay and lie down. She's a champ on the leash too. I'm still working on the housebreaking thing. No poops inside, but still little pee puddles. She lost a few pounds and is pretty dang healthy. Mostly.

She just turned four last month. I love this dog with all my heart. Well, I love my husband, and my other kiddo/dog, but you know what I mean. Anyway, last night, my husband noticed something on the back of her neck. It was all gross and crusty and gunking up her hair. She has a lot of hair because she's a Yorkie. I looked at it, and it looked a lot like dried blood. I took her collar off and wiped at her neck with a warm, damp washcloth, to try to free the clotted up hair.

Let me take a sidebar to mention that about eight or nine years ago, I used to have a pet rat. I know a lot of people think rats are gross, but only the wild ones are, mine was really sweet. Anyway, she got a tumor, as rats are kinda prone to get. One day, it sort of split open, and it got all bloody and crusty. I took her to the vet, and I was told it was so bad that she had to be put to sleep. Well, this thing on my Gidget's neck, it looks just like the rat's tumor did. There is a definite SOMETHING lumpish under her skin there also, but I dont' know what it is.

I cleaned the blood all off, and her skin has a gash in it, about 1/2 inch long. It goes all the way through her skin, and you can see the muscle, or whatever is under there, underneath. It only was bleeding at the very outer edge of the cut, not from inside of it. I'm scared. I'm really really really scared.

I know that there are some people in the world who feel like, they're just dogs, but they're not just dogs. Not to me. I'm 28 years old, and for right now, these are my kids. They sleep with me. They eat high quality dog food made with human grade ingredients. They have matching sterling silver necklaces. I taught myself to knit so I could make them sweaters. I just started sewing them these little dresses. I look forward to seeing them and playing with them everyday. It makes me happy just to have them near me.

I've been trying to not think about this thing on her neck, because if I don't admit it is there, there can't be anything wrong with her. The vet opens at 7 am. I hope they'll take her today, with no appointment. Also, since I only work two days a week, I'm broke, so we'll have to borrow money to pay for it.

I lost both of my cats, four months apart, at the end of 1994. It was right before our wedding. One had a congenital (?) heart defect, and the other developed a uterine infection that spread to her bloodstream. I loved my cats, but not the way I love this dog. It almost destroyed me when I had to put them to sleep, one at a time, the grief. Over dramatic? Maybe. But I have depression/anxiety issues and that was just a really bad time for me.

I just keep thinking, what if the vet tells me it's cancer? What if the only thing they can do is cut it out and give her radiation, but I can't afford it? That could be thousands of dollars! I can't put my baby to sleep, but I don't want her to suffer either. I'm so scared. I can't lose another one, I just can't. I'm sitting here crying like an idiot and I've been praying so hard. Part of me wants to think positive thoughts, but part of me wants to be prepared, in case of the worst.

You just can't understand how much I love this dog. I don't want anything to be wrong with my baby, but I know there probably is. I can't deny that there is a huge lump on her neck and that there is a big hole in it. I can't believe that I didn't notice it earlier, I feel like such a failure as a pet mom. My husband said he could see how we didn't see it before, since it's right by her collar and pretty much hidden by that hair.

See, Gidget is an angel. She's already died once, when she was a puppy. She needed a blood transfusion and the vet was able to bring her back, according to what the woman who gave her to me said. It's not fair for her to have to suffer again. She's just a baby! I know that in the grand scheme of things in the world that my little dog may not be the most important thing, but please, if you can't do it for her, then if you could just keep me in your thoughts today?

The vet opens in 17 minutes. Off to find the crate.


Anonymous wendy said...

Thinking of you sara. I hope its all ok!!

1:55 PM  

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