Tuesday, April 01, 2008

numb.

I was up all night crying, and as a result, my face is puffy and hurts and I have a wicked headache that I can't take anything for. I went ahead and called into work, because I'm having light sensitivity on the left side, which is where most of the pain is concentrated anyway. Fun.

I woke up this morning, and lied in bed with the dogs, and cried some more. I hurt, and I feel numb all at the same time. Honestly, I don't think I will cry this much when my mother dies. I don't think it will hurt this bad. I know that's shitty to say, and comes off as a little drama-queen-ish, but if you understand anything about my relationship with her, you'll get it.

I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to go lay in bed and sleep. I keep replaying it all in my mind, how she told me I was acting like I was in jr high, how what Rascist H said was just words and I needed to get over it and forgive her.

How she really felt about me all this time.

When stuff like this happens, I really start to question myself. What's wrong with ME? Why does this happen to ME? Maybe I really am a bad person. Maybe they're right. Maybe I don't have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Maybe I don't deserve to have friends. Maybe I don't deserve for anyone to love or care about me.

What is the point of me even being here? Really?

I'm torn between wanting the hurt to just stop, no matter what the cost, and knowing that is stupid and selfish and unrealistic, because of my husband, because of the baby we're growing. And then I start to think, if everyone leaves me eventually, what's to stop him? What's to say that he won't decide to stop loving me? What's to say he doesn't think all these things about me and I just haven't found out yet?

What's to stop my child from not loving me? If I'm as awful as they all say, isn't it inevitable that one day I'll find my child thinks this way about me too?

Part of me is thinking, okay, it's better this way. Have no friends, and never get hurt. That's logical right? But I'm only human. I can't be alone. I can't not want someone to share things with. I can't imagine life as an island. Maybe some people can do it, but not me.

I wish there was a way to just go back, but you can't go back, can you? All I can do is push forward and try to get on with life, but it's like one of those dreams where you're trying to run and your feet weigh about a ton each and they're dragging you down, so you can't escape.

How far can a person be dragged down, and how many times?

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4 Comments:

Blogger Tanya said...

Sometimes in life you have to stop and look at your life like you are someone else looking in. This woman may have been a wonderful friend, but from the actions she's done lately, she is no longer that relationship to you. She's become toxic and your pregnant, hormonal body certainly doesn't need that right now!

I know it hurts to lose a good friend, but like men, there are so many more fish in the sea and you know what? There are always new friendships right around the corner waiting to happen and ready to blossom.

Maybe you two just need some time away from each other to cool down and after that will both see things differently. Until then, focus on taking care of YOU and SMILE!!!

11:17 AM  
Blogger Lida said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you (well u are a bit crazy but thats a good thing) if your friend has that idea of you then maybe she is not the ideal friend for you at least right now, out there I´m sure there is someone who is the perfect friend for you and you would be the perfect friend for her, I do know how u feel, cause I¨m always there for anybody but when I need a friedn well somehow they are all a bit busy, so if I could I would help you wash ur face and dry your tears and do my best to make you laugh, sometimes being a friend means overlooking little details and just beign there, your friend should know that.

I´m sure you are an awesome friend, don´t ever change!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Hooptee said...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like this friend of yours has changed over the years and is no longer the person you became friends with.

You seem like a really great person. What she said was really hurtful and toxic. Not what you need in your life as you start a new family. Hopefully some time away will give you both some clarity. Try not to get too down, you have a lot going for you!

7:14 AM  
Blogger Zee said...

Oh Sweety, I wish I could be there for you right now. There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes we draw people into our lives that fit at the time. They fill a need, sometimes good, sometimes bad. People grow and change at different stages. I'm sorry she said such hurtful things and it's was most likely done from her own insecurities. People now a days seem to pass the buck onto everyone else. No one wants to be responsible for their actions.

Your going to be a great mom and meet new friends with interest beyond drinking and partying...oh ya, who says being married and having a kid makes you boring! LOL I joined MOMSClub and have met some really great ladies. I just wish I had joined when I was prego. Maybe you should look into something like that?

1:54 PM  

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