Death of a Friendship

Tonight, I lost my best friend.

I wish I could articulate fully what I am feeling right now. I've been crying for about two or three hours, I lost track. It's kinda like breaking up with your boyfriend of four years that you've known for seven or eight... it hurts so bad, and I feel so fucking alone, and worthless right now.

What do you do when you find out that someone you cared about more than your own family thinks that you're really just a rotten person? She posted a whole blog entry on her myspace page about it. She said, do you find yourself with people who go away and don't want to be your friend anymore, and admitted that was directed at me. She said I need to "step back and see what you do to people". She said that the whole thing that happened two years ago between the rascist ex-friend was all MY fault because I can't forgive. She wasn't even THERE!

So what happened?

Last Thursday she asks me if I want to go to Dogapalooza on Sunday. Sounds like fun, so I say sure.

On Friday some coworkers invited me to a cookout on Sunday, but since I had plans with my friend already, I turned them down.

On Sunday, my friend sends me a TEXT MESSAGE (can't even call) and says I'm not going, I have a lot of school work to do.

Great. So now I'm stranded with nothing to do. I'm really irritated, because I stayed up late and groomed and bathed the dog for this, but what am I going to do? It's her job, you know?

So later on that night, I'm online, and I notice that she's posted on her myspace page that she has Monday off for a holiday. I'm like wait - you had an extra day off and you STILL bailed on me? WTH? So I send her a message saying that.

She sends me back this long rant about how yes, she does have all this work to do, she had s 400 page binder to read in preparation for her National Boards, she has to plan sample lessons for that class starting on Tuesday, she has to organize a book fair, do her own lesson plans for the week, make a social studies binder, oh yeah, and clean the house and do laundry.

Um, did she just find all this out? If she knew she had to do all this crap, WHY invite me out in the first place? Oh, and here's the kicker:

"U have plenty of bailing out coming your way when you have the baby. There will be a lot of "I cant cause the baby is..." and I will understand when it does."

My baby is NOT a get out of jail free card!

So now, where I was simply irritated before, I am mad. I have other friends. I have other people who would not mind spending time with me. I could have had something to do. She tried to make me feel guilty, and that I should "understand."

If I had called her to invite her on Thursday, instead of it being the other way around, and she had told me all the stuff she had to do, THEN I would understand. But her making plans with me when she really should not have done so, without taking into consideration that I could have planned something with other folks if I hadn't made a commitment to hang out with her, then trying to make me feel bad about it, and then throwing the "you're gonna ditch me when the baby comes" thing on top of it... well, that's not cool.

So I tell her so. I tell her it was rude, and inconsiderate of my time and my feelings, and that just because I was pg didn't mean she could assume I was going to become a flake. Honoring commitments is EXTREMELY important to me, whether they be big or small.

She shoots back that she knew I wouldn't be understanding, is it is my wants vs. her wants and I can't stand to not have my wants met. It didn't have anything to do with my "wants", but more her lack of consideration. I told her I didnt' appreciate how she was so flippant in dismissing me.

Finally, she admits it was a shitty thing to do, she shouldn't have done it, and she's sorry. I'm mad, but I can move on. It take me time to get over being mad, like a day or two though, but she apologized, and really, what can I do now?

I'm hurt, because it's not the first time she's bailed on me in recent history (since I became pg and she became single) and I'm feeling like maybe it's because I'm not fun anymore. I'm old, married, pregnant, BORING. I invited her over for dinner once, after her and her boyfriend broke up, and she was like, Well, I'd rather not because some of the girls from work might call me to go out later.

What I heard: Um, something better than YOU might come along.

So I'm hurt. I'm jealous of the new friends, they're all single, they can go out and get drunk and pick up guys. They all go to the gym together. One has great fake boobs that she really admires. What do I have? Oh yeah, paper, scissors, and little dogs. Great. Exciting. I'm feeling unimportant now, and angry and hurt, and I say so on my status message thingy in Myspace.

So today I come home from work, log onto myspace -

(I know, myspace can be wonderful but it can be EVIL)

-and see she's posted a blog.

Don't Be A Bitch.

And I read it. And it's obviously been put there for me to read. She says I'm lucky to be her friend. She's not perfect but at least she's forgiving. She acknowledges she did a shitty thing to a friend (me) and that she was sorry, but then goes on about how it isnt the end of the world and she doesn't get why I would want to give up our friendship over this one little bad thing.

And then the kicker:

"So I leave you all with this….
Take a look at yourself. Do you find that people are drawn to you and want to be your friend or do you find your friendships go the other route and disappear? What kind of friend are you?"

I've always been of the camp that when it comes to friends, it should be quality over quantity. I don't have room in my life for people to be pretending to be "friends" when really, they don't give a rats ass about me. I'm fiercely loyal to those I do consider friends. I'll stand by them, no matter what. I'll think of them when I'm out and see something I think they would like. I like to share interests, and pretty much everything.

I'm not going to be friends with someone just because I've known them a long time, or we have history together, or a lot of mutual friends, or because someone else thinks I should, if I have a problem with that person. Certain things are just deal breakers, and I don't need people like that in my life. Period. I can tolerate them like an adult for required social occasions with mutual acquaintances, but I'm not going to be fake and act like I'm friends with someone I can't stand either.

So yeah, I send her an email and ask about this blog. She doesn't respond, but I know she's read it. So basically, after trying to text message (arent' I too old for this?) and finally convincing her to switch to IM, she tells me I'm a bitch, the reason I don't have friends is because of what I "do" to people and how I push them away, the whole thing with Rascist H was all MY fault (never mind that she insulted me and my heritage and my father then had the NERVE to call me and say that she felt SORRY for my husband for having to be married to me) and it wasn't like she was trying to kill all Hispanic people, she said I was a bad friend, that her old roommate who is MEAN and rude an inconsiderate is a better friend than I ever was because she could forgive and ignore and I'm incapable of forgiving, and, as I'm sitting there sobbing and feeling like part of me has just died, she has the audacity to tell me that all she can do is laugh at me.

She accused me of always flipping situations around to make myself look like the better person, because I knew she didn't have a way with words. She said that I was just doing this because I was pg. I'm tired of people telling me that!!! Like, my feelings don't count at all because I might have more hormones going through my system at this time?

I feel like part of me has died. I don't know if she really understands what she did to me. I loved her, more than I loved members of my own family. Hell, she WAS my family. I would have done anything for her. I would have even let her have a kidney had she ended up needing it. I wanted her to be my baby's godmother. One of the pages in my "things I'm grateful for" album is dedicated to her, full of pictures of the two of us. I wanted to kill her boyfriend every time he hurt her and made her cry or feel like she was unimportant, but I didn't because she loved him and so I loved him too. Everytime I looked at my wedding pictures, I regretted that we weren't closer at that time so I could have asked her to be my maid of honor instead. I looked forward to her wedding, whether she wanted me to be in the bridal party or not, because I wanted to share that with her.

And now? It's all gone. It's like she died, only she didn't. Part of me thinks it would have been easier if she had. To not know what she really thought of me deep down all this time. To not have experienced that hurt. To not be sitting here, and even with my husband beside me, to feel so all alone. I've lost my sister, my best friend, my confidant, my shopping buddy, my dog mom friend, my cropping pal... gone.

I mean, I know I can forgive... but how can I forget all those things she said about me? How do you forget that is how someone really thinks of you? How will that not pop up in my mind everytime we're out trying to have fun? You can't be friends with someone under those circumstances. You can't be friends with someone who made you feel like you were just a bad person, and unworthy of friendship.

So how does she end our conversation?

"Wow, so your really going to dismiss me for this huh? Ok then. You WERE a really great friend."

Thanks. So were you.