Saturday, July 29, 2006

I'm getting old

...and it's really freaking me out!

There was this guy I used to know. We met, oh, I'd say it was about twelve years ago, when I was working at the movie theatre. We worked together for about six months and got to be good friends. Well, REALLY good friends, if you know what I mean!

Anyway, he was just out here to go to school, and he graduated in December, which meant that he was going home. It was so unfair, just one of those crap things that life throws at you. I loved him to death, not like romantic love, but like as a friend. We spent so much time together that last month and a half that he was here, and then he was just gone, and I was broken hearted.

He came back to visit a couple of times, and we would fall back into our old routine for the few days that the visit lasted. I had a boyfriend the first time he came back. We were semi-serious, and that was hard for me. We made out; I was young and foolish and should have known better, but I can't say I really regretted it.

I went out there, to visit family, and since I was so close, we decided to spend a day together. The catch: this time HE had a girlfriend. I was prepared to not like her, but I was wrong. I loved her to death. They were so perfect together. I was happy for them.

Three years ago, a friend got married over there. I called him and told him I was coming, so we could meet up. He was still with the girlfriend and I had met my now husband and we were engaged. He bought breakfast for all my friends and they loved him almost as much as I did. Not just because of breakfast either, just because he is that kind of guy. His girlfriend was just as sweet as I remembered, and she had gotten into scrapbooking too! He couldn't believe it.

Tonight, I am messing around here, and my friend is over here checking her stuff because her computer is being stupid and won't work. She's on myspace. She's been telling me about it the past month or two, and how she found all these people she went to high school with back home. I decided to go ahead and make an account so that I could look up random people too. I've been on here for hours, looking up old roommates, old schoolmates, old friends...

...and I looked him up.

...and I found him.

...and I read on his profile that he was a "proud parent".

and my heart just stopped.

No, I am not still in love with this boy, now man I guess (see? Freaky.). I see he finally married the girlfriend, and I am glad for both of them. His son is adorable. But this is someone I dated sort of, before she did, and he is a DADDY NOW.

I know I am about to be 29 in a little less than three weeks, and that LOADS of people my age have children, some of them have multiple children. But this is someone who is relevant to ME, and my growth, I guess, for lack of a better term. He's a freaking parent!!!

Holy crap, I feel like I've missed some boat here. I'm married. I'm pretty happy with the way things are in my life right now. My husband and I will be celebrating our third anniversary in October. Why am I freaking out?

I don't know that I am ready to be a parent. I like being able to spend my time doing whatever and only worrying about my needs and my husbands needs, which in all honesty, he pretty much can take care of himself. I don't have to rush to get home to the baby sitter, or to pick up or drop off little ones anywhere. I can spend money on frivolous things like designer purses and not worry that I should be saving for college. I don't have to worry about a little person puking or pooping or peeing on me at will. So, why am I freaking out?

I'm scared I guess. What if I wake up one day and I am 45 and I never had kids and I totally regret it? I feel like I would have a lot to offer my potential offspring. I know that most people who have kids think they're the greatest things ever, and would not give up anything in exchange for them.

I also know that I had a pretty messed up childhood. I didn't really have positive role models, and the only good examples were ones of how to NOT parent. I've seen my genes, and I believe equally in nature vs. nurture. Also, it feels like the world has enough people in it already so why make more?

I don't know, maybe this is just one of those existentialist dilemmas that one faces when they get this close to a decade shift. I guess that means that next year at this time I am REALLY gonna be a basketcase. Just freaking great.

Sometimes, I think that I should just get knocked up and get it all over with, but then I remember that is a HORRIBLE way to bring a child into this world.

BLAH to over thinking things. Just BLAHHHHHHH.


Blogger em said...

This is so interesting. I have a very good friend who is 29 with two kids and one on the way...super happy in her marriage. BUT she just ran into her ex from college and it has totally turned her world upside down. There is just always that weird "what if" that sits in your brain.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

I hear ya and have a few years on you too...LOL

2:39 PM  
Blogger Sofia said...

I'm 26 and I feel like I'm supposed to want kids at this point. My husband does, but I just don't feel that great need. I wonder if I ever will. Makes me think there's somthing wrong with me.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

Wow. I feel like I could have written this myself. The whole thing (except I am 25, and have been married 7 years). I wish I had helpful words, but since I am in the exact same place, I can only tell you that you aren't alone in feeling this way, and even in these experiences. Its so crazy.

6:01 PM  

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