Monday, June 06, 2005

Fake it Till you Make it

Sometimes, I feel like I am pretending to be a grown up.

I remember when I was 17, and I worked in and elementary school where almost all the teachers in my grade were about the same age I am now. They were adults! They had homes and nice cars and went out to happy hour with their friends. They took golf and tennis lessons and had discussions about politics.

I feel very immature most of the time, and not like I am going to be 28 years old in a few months at all. I feel like I am the same person on the inside that I was when I was 17, and I haven't grown up one bit. I feel afraid that someone is going to figure me out, that I am just a child in an adult's body pretending to fit in.

I'm married. I went to college. I pay taxes. I've had lots of jobs since I was 17. Why do I feel this way? And more importantly, when will I stop feeling this way and start to feel like I am actually grown up?

Will it happen when I have children? When I turn 30? When I turn 40? When I have grandchildren? What do I have to do?

When my mother was my age, she had left home and moved to another state, and had three kids, aged 11, 9, and 6. I, on the other hand, am still working on figuring out my dogs!

I have trouble controlling my emotions. It's a lot better since I started the medication, but when I get really mad or upset, I still cry. I HATE that. I get embarrassed, and then mad at myself, which of course doesn't help the situation. If I could change any one thing about myself, that would probably be up there in the consideration rankings.

When I am happy, I like to show that I am happy. I like to have fun and enjoy life. I don't want it to pass me by and come to find out that I missed all the fun stuff because I was worried about what other people are thinking about me. I tell myself, WHO CARES???

The problem is that I find that I DO care about what other people think. I want to impress people. I want them to think that I am smart and funny and creative and cool. But I don't always think that about myself, so how can I expect them to see it?

Until I figure it out, I will just keep plugging along and hope that no one ELSE figures it out first.


Blogger Melissa said...

OMG..I feel the same exact way about myself right now! Weird! At least I can take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the way I am feeling. Maybe you need some chocolate or soda. I am caving in today with my soda. Mark went to get me some right now( I felt I needed it). Tomorrow is another day!!!! Keep your chin up and know that somewhere on the other side of the Valley I am feeling the same way as you are. :)
Talk to you soon

9:18 AM  
Blogger Kim :) said...

Okay, how did you take over my body and write down exactly how I feel daily without me knowing you had taken over my body!! Holy Batmobil Robin!! I have to say that is quiet scary that I feel 100% exactly what you described! I don't think I could have ever said it as well as you did though.

4:25 PM  
Anonymous kaylaaimee said...

Ditto. I think this is secretly how everyone feels inside. I am 22. I like myself now. I am happy. I think I'm cute :) But I have those moments when I think of myself as the insecure 16 year old girl who just wanted someone to love her. Underneath the success, the responsibility, etc. that is still there. I think it is in everyone. You are not a bad wife. You are not a bad person. You are TOTALLY normal. I know. I'm in therapy :)

11:47 AM  

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