Tuesday, June 17, 2008


So, I get a text message this afternoon that reads:

I just heard! Congratulations! On your wedding and baby! SARA, I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH! Mom

Crap. Crap crap crappity crap. Crap on a cracker.

YES, that text message does in fact mean that I never told my mother that I got married (come October, it will be five years). Since I didn't tell her, you would be correct in reasoning that she was not AT said wedding. All my life, my mom was very anti-marriage, despite being married four times herself. She always said that the wedding march was Dumb, Dumb, DUH-DUMB! for a reason. When I found out my brother got married (in city hall in Podunk, AZ, no I wasn't invited) he said that she asked him what he wanted to do something stupid like that for.

I just didn't need the negativity on what was supposed to be a happy day.

I never planned on telling her that I was having a baby. The woman text messages me once every year or so for the past couple of years, and before that I'd hear from her once every year or two. Every contact was completely out of the blue, completely unexpected, and completely played like we had just talked a day or two before. I hear how proud she is of me, how she is sorry she hasn't been there, how she wants to be a part of my life and she's really going to try now. Then, nothing for a year or so.

I know she's going to want to see the baby, but I don't want her to be a part of my child's life. Not the way she has been, not the way she is now. I know that sounds mean, because she is my mother, and because this is her grandchild, but I have my reasons.

*She does drugs.
*She lies and says she is not doing drugs.
*When she finally admits that she is doing drugs, it's never her fault. Her boyfriend/husband forced her to do them, the stress from my brothers going to jail constantly made her, her life is too hard.
*She refuses to take any personal accountability for her actions.
*She enables my brothers to not take any accountibility for their actions. Nothing is ever their own faults, everything can be blamed on someone else.
*She enables other people as well, buying stolen items from crackheads because it's cheaper than going to the store, etc.
*She refuses to hold a normal job or live in a normal household. She has lived in her van, with strangers, in back rooms, sheds... all because she doesn't want to be told what to do in the workplace.
*She has mental issues, and she knows she does, but she refuses to get help for herself or attempt to address them in any way.
*She makes no attempt to care for herself. She only drinks Dr. Pepper, all day, and her diet, last I saw her, consisted mainly of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets and Ding Dongs. I'm not even exaggerating here. She was super skinny too, I wonder why? She cuts her own hair, refuses to go shopping, won't wear real shoes, only flip flops, and hasn't been to a doctor in God knows how long.
*She's verbally abusive and feels that she can berate you because she brought you into this world, and you better not have anything to say back about it.
*She's just very negative, about everything, all the time. She's an eternal pessimist.

The craziest part? She's only 47!!! She's YOUNG! She acts like a crazy old lady most of the time, to the point where my young hip, listened to Power 92 at one time mom now only likes Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, because that's "real" music.

I don't need my child exposed to all that mess. I don't need her being a bad influence on him. I don't need him to be around my thieving, drug using, ghetto ass, gang banger wannabe, in and out of prison brothers. I want to protect him and keep him as far away from that life as humanly possible.

Does that make me a snob? Maybe. But how can anyone hold wanting a better life for myself and my child against me? Isn't that the way it is supposed to work, each generation works to make the next one better, to help them get a little farther, to achieve a little more?

I'm the only one in my immediate family that finished high school and got an actual high school diploma instead of a GED. The only reason my brothers even have those is because they make you get them in prison, apparently. I'm the only one who was not a parent at 16. I'm the only one who went to college. I'm the only one with a regular car, as opposed to something they bought for $500 and is raised with wood 2"x 4"s to make it look "lifted" (I'm so not making that one up either. They fall out if you hit a bump too hard!). I'm the only one who doesn't live somewhere that could very easily be categorized as a slum.

I'm different from them, and I don't know why, but I do know that they haven't always been nice to me about it. Do I need them to treat my child the way they treat me because I'm going to want him to have nice things, and live in a nice place, and go to school so he can have a better life?

It makes me terribly sad that I can't hang out with my mom, go shopping, have lunch, or even just talk on the phone, like normal people do. Maybe, if she were to clean herself up, and work on getting her life in order, and stop making excuses for my brothers, maybe I'd be willing to try.

I'm just not holding my breath is all.

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Blogger BMT said...

Stick to your guns...you need to protect this little guy! You seem to have done wonderful accepting your past and building your future...

4:03 PM  
Blogger mademoisellechitchat said...

You're making the right choices. Don't beat yourself up!


6:28 PM  

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