Friday, September 14, 2007

Internet Prostitutes

I read a lot of blogs. My Bloglines is full of ones I've come across that I enjoy, and I check there for new posts a couple times a day usually. There are some that don't seem to post anymore, but I keep them in hopes that one day they will start up again (ahem ahem ms. scrappincrazy).

I read in someone's blog about how when we blog, we tend to paint a rather rosy picture of our lives. We post about our triumphs, our achievements, things we've done or made, and leave out the negative aspects of who we are. It's almost like we are trying to sell ourselves to our readers. The question was why? Why do we feel the need to do this?

Is it because it's a way to contribute to our self esteem, that more readers/hits/comments mean more people are interested in what we have to say, and therefore our self worth is somehow confirmed? Is it because we are scared that if we stop writing funny, happy, fluffy posts that no one will want to read what we have to say anymore? Is it because if there is to be a record of our lives, we want everyone to think we were better than we actually were?

I thought about it, and I think what it comes down to is that it is just human nature, plain and simple.

I also realized that if I have been trying to sell myself, I'm doing a REALLY crappy job!

I come on here and I moan about my husband, and I moan about my mental health, and I moan about my family, and I moan about my childhood, and I moan about my body image, and I moan about my "friends", and I moan and I moan and I moan.

That's where my dilemma lies. I started this blog as a journal. I find that putting my thoughts down on paper (or as the case may be, on the screen) is really therapeutic for me, and really helps me to work through a lot of stuff. It's really helpful to have a place to just dump all this crap that is cluttering up my headspace. The problem is that because I know that other people read this, including people that I know and love in real life, I've started to censoring myself, and what I think and what I say on here. I worry about who might see what, and so I can't really get to work through everything I need to.

Of course, then there is the part of me that is like, who the hell do you think you are? Do you really think that people are reading this drivel? I mean, I get maybe one or two comments here and there, nothing like I was getting a year ago. Granted, part of that is probably due to not posting regularly, and part of that is probably due to not haveing as many fluffy, funny, happy posts.

I guess the thing I have to wonder about is, do I really care if people read this anymore?

The answer, I'm afraid, is that yeah. Yeah I do. I want people to think I am interesting. I want people to think that I am funny. I want people to like me, and to like the things I do. So I'm shallow. So sue me.

I'm only human, afterall.



Blogger BMT said...

Keep writing..I enjoy your "dribble"...I was especially happy for you on your birthday..what a nice surprise you had!!!

6:08 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

I like ready about the real you also, but I too haven't posted anything funny lately...since I've been prego really and I too have wondered if people were losing interest because of it.

Oh well, such is life and I still like ya...haha

11:09 PM  
Anonymous wendy said...

What an insightful post.

I read your blog, your ups and your downs. I don't always comment b/c i don't know what to say, but I find you and your blog more interesting than most, because you are as raw and honest with yourself as you are in your observations about other things. I really do enjoy your blog and I think you are very awesome.

As to your main point. I actually don't post on blogs if i'm getting that "look at me, aren't I interesting, prove it to me by commenting" vibe. it feels so superficial.

My blog is pretty much my run of thought, it isn't often interesting, it is often just rambling, boring detals of my life. but I do refer to it again and again esp when I'm scrapping to capture the thoughts, dates, memories. For me, that is why I blog, and to keep people who do care about my family up to date on those boring details.

12:39 PM  

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