Sunday, July 02, 2006

Lost

This morning, we were discussing if maybe we would be able to afford the purse I have wanted for the last three or four years for my birthday next month. Now, roughly twelve hours later, we are discussing if we have any future together at all.

My world is falling apart. I want to die.

My husband, he doesn't understand me at all. He thinks I want someone to do my bidding, to agree with everything I do and think, to be a puppet, but that's not true. All I want is support from my spouse. I don't really think that is a lot to ask.

It should be Us against The World, Team F, a united front whether or not we agree or disagree in private. He took a vow to honor me for life. It all keeps coming back in circles to that stupid, stupid girl and her racist comments. I hate her now more than ever for setting that into motion.

See, my husband is a go with the flow kind of guy. His entire goal in life is to not make waves. He fancies himself to be Switzerland. He never argues, never complains, never shares his honest thoughts or feelings about anything for fear of making waves. Part of me admires his laid back attitude. Mostly though, I hate it.

That girl's husband, he came on here and he defended his wife. I can not tell you how much I admire him for that, I really and truly do. He felt that his wife, the woman he pledged himself to, was being attacked, and he stood up for her. THAT is support.

My husband, on the other hand, just wants to behave like nothing ever happened. He's claims that he is not okay with the fact that she hurt me, that she knew she hurt me and chose to not do anything about it, even though she was supposedly my friend, that she claimed it was supposed to be a joke, that she called me and said those horrible things about me, but he's still going to chat with her and be her friend in spite of it. Okay.

That's not what being supportive is to me. If someone that was supposedly my husband's friend did something similar to him, I wouldn't speak to them. I couldn't. By betraying him, they would have betrayed me as well.

For instance: When we were at the funeral reception last week, we came across an old friend. This guy was like a brother to me, and walked me down the aisle. He asked if we were leaving, and my husband said yes. He shook my husband's hand and said okay, good to see you then. He proceeded to look me in the eye, then look away and ignore me.

I don't know why he did this. I don't know if that girl told him her version of events and he decided to side with her, without seeing what I had to say about it. I don't know if it was something else I did that pissed him off. I felt like that was really disrespectful of him to treat me in that manner though, and I voiced that concern to my husband.

So my husband goes to this party tonight, and that guy is there. My husband tells me on the phone that they were chatting and this guy was concerned that some people there were talking shit about him because they were talking in front of him in another language. My husband is recounting their conversation.

See, if he were a supportive husband, he would have stood up for me. He could have brought something up in conversation such as, "Hey man, that wasn't cool how you dissed my wife at the funeral. What's going on?" I told him this and he was like, oh you just want me to be your spy because you don't want to talk to anyone who even slightly pisses you off, blah blah blah.

No, that's not it at all. He just doesn't get it. He seems to think that if someone upsets me that I want him to get all crazy macho and confrontational. I just want him to show that he cares about my feelings and is concerned with how others treat me. There is nothing rude or angry about the statement above. He doesnt' understand me at all I think sometimes.

I don't need him to always agree with me, but I need him to support me. Don't be best friends with that girl after what she did to me. He still thinks it's about the racism. It has nothing to do with the racism anymore. That was a catalyst for the bigger issue that is now at hand.

He's like great, now you're going to threaten me that our marraige is over like you always do when we disagree about something trivial. He actually SAID that!

When we have a big fight, over a big issue, and he is hurtful and it's important and I am just feeling that there is no way to solve it , I'll admit, I've wondered out loud if we could work it out. He felt that I was threatening to leave him. Does that mean that the times I've said that I wanted to die he felt like I was threatening him too? All of a sudden, my selfless husband reveals his ego, and how everything is all about him.

He said he had to think about it. I told him fine, since, in his words, I go from first to fifth gear without stopping to think, I must not be qualified to determine the status of our relationship. When it matters most, he forgets. He forgets that I am sick. He forgets that my mind isn't like his mind. He forgets how easy it is when things go wrong to just to the worst case scenario.

What am I going to do if he decides to leave me? What reason would I have to live? I couldn't support myself, let alone feed myself and my dogs. I just feel like he doesn't care, and I am only here with him for convenience's sake It's easier to be with me than to go through all the hassle of being alone and having to find someone new. I'm the one who spurs things along, who moves us to the next level, who has dreams and aspirations. If I didn't, we would still be in that 600 square foot one bedrom apartment with no AC, we wouldn't be married, I wouldn't have my dogs.

I just don't know what to do.

1 Comments:

Blogger em said...

Hey :(

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't have any good advice for you at the moment, I need to think more about my response...but definitely email me if you want to talk more. (I think you can do that on blogger...)

9:19 AM  

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