Monday, June 26, 2006

Weekend Update

Honestly, I need to blog EVERY DAY rather than make these epic, rambling posts. Sheesh.

Okay. Saturday I went to a funeral. Not the greatest way to start out a weekend, for sure, but necessary all the same. Remember the girl I am no longer friends with that I was posting about a month or two ago? Her husband posted on here in her defense, she called me and told me to lose her number, she would be happy if she never spoke to me again, etc. etc. Well, she called me about a week and a half ago. I was working, so I didn't take the call. Really, I didn't care to speak to her and I had no idea why she would be calling me anyway. When I didn't answer, she called me back. I still didn't answer. She didn't leave a message either time.

When I got home, I asked my husband if she had called him. He said that his phone showed a missed call from her, but that she didn't leave a message for him either. I told him to call her and find out why the hell she was calling me. He didn't want to, but he did it anyway because he luuurrrrves me. :) She told him that her husband's parents had been in an accident. His mom had survived, but his father had not. We were both very shocked and sad for them. His parents are like some of the best parents on the planet.

I made a sympathy card and mailed it to his mom. On Thursday, she called me and I answered it because I was driving to work (bad, I know!) and didn't check the caller ID. She was like, hey, how's it going, I need your expertise, I dont' know this side of town like you do... she basically was chatting with me like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED!!! I told her what she wanted to know, and left it at that. No point in being rude.

My husband asked me if I was going to go to the service. At first, I was thinking no, I don't want to be around those people. I knew that not only her and her husband would be there, but the other girl and her boyfriend who started the whole episode. I felt like I would be uncomfortable and awkward through the whole thing. As I thought about it more though, I realized that it wasn't about me, and it wasn't about them. The service was about honoring the life of the man who had passed, and celebrating his life. For all the kindness he had shown to me and my husband, he deserved that from me. I decided to go.

Of course, we were late. I discovered that I do not own any nice black shoes. Can you believe that? I wore some pink ones that hurt so bad. I figured it would be okay, since we would be sitting. Um, WRONG! Not only was the chapel and the adjoining room packed to capacity, the hallways and lobbies were too! We stood through the whole thing and by the end, I wanted nothing more than my flip flops. Those stupid shoes are going STRAIGHT to Goodwill.

We sat on a bench after the service while waiting for the receiving line to dwindle down. No way was I going to stand in that long line, the thought almost made me cry! While we were sitting and waiting, the girl came over to us. She was like, glad you could make it, are you coming to the reception, and so on. Again, she acted like nothing had ever happened. I know that the funeral home was not the place to have a knock down, drag out discussion, but come on! She complimented my evil shoes! I may be mean, I may be harsh, but at least I am honest and not a hypocrite!

So we went in to greet his mom, and pay our respects. Her husband was nice, he gave me a hug and told me that he had missed us and it was good to see us there. I do really in my heart believe he was sincere. After that, we went home, and changed into something more comfortable, and headed over to the reception. Again, she sat and chatted with us like nothing was wrong. That really bothered me.

However, the other girl, and her boyfriend who started the whole mess, they acted like I was invisible. Not even a glance in my direction. I don't know which was worse, honestly: being treated as though I didn't exist, or being treated like nothing had ever happened. All I know was that it just brought back all the hurt I've been trying to work through the past few weeks.

I'll tell you the thing that bothered me the most though. One of my guy friends, the guy who walked me down the aisle and gave me away at my wedding, HE didn't speak to me either. As we were leaving, He said hey to my husband and shook his hand, but as I came up behind my husband, he just looked at me and looked away, without saying a word. That hurt. He has nothing to do with anything, but he's obviously decided it was up to him to choose sides in the issue.

You may be wondering why he walked me down the aisle at my wedding instead of my dad. I don't have a dad anymore. My mom left him when I was three or four years old, and he died when I was six, so I never really got to know him. That's one of the reasons why things like this, where family is a heavy subject, are really hard for me. I was sitting on the couch eating a sandwich and there was a slide show of photos on the tv. I was watching it and marveling at the wonderfully full life that this man had made for himself and his family. Then, something started to happen inside me. I started to feel very bitter, and kind of angry. There was this little black patch on my soul that was like, SO WHAT. So your dad died. Big whoop. At least you got to spend 28 years with him, as opposed to my three. He got to take you to father/daughter dances, sledding, camping, vacations. He attended your graduations, your birthdays, your wedding. I didn't get that. Why should I be sad for you?

I don't want to feel like that. I know that is not the way I should be feeling, but I can't help it. I'm ashamed that I feel that way. So then, of course, it progressed to my mother. What if my mom died? I'd be sad, because she is my mom, and she would be dead. Would I be devastated? Would I be heartbroken and crushed? No. I wouldn't. In fact, I think I'd be worse off if one of my dogs were to die, and that is just really sad.

See, my mom was there, but she wasnt' there for me. Children were just an inconvenience to her, something to get in her way and keep her from doing what she wanted to do and to scare her boyfriends away. I can't think of a single instance where we did something together, just mother and daughter. Well, I guess when she decided that at age 15 I should be on birth control because I was probably a slut and she took me to the doctor. I was nothing of the sort, by the way. I found out later that's what she told my aunt.

I haven't seen or spoken to my mom in over a year and a half. I don't know where she lives, I don't know her phone number, I don't know how she is. She has all of my info though, and she could find me if she wanted to. I take her not doing so as a sign that she doesn't want to. This isn't the first time I haven't seen her in such a long period. I went two and a half years once without seeing her, after a big fight, and then one day she phoned out of the blue and apoligized for being absent. She said that she was wrong, but now, and I quote, "Momma's BACK!" I didn't hear from her again for six months. That's just how it goes.

I was pretty bummed out after the whole funeral experience, so I decided that I needed me a little retail therapy. I headed over to the Rack to see what I could find in my quest to have more style. I tried on twenty different articles of clothing and left with ONE item. UGH. I also bought a couple of pairs of underpants (you needed to know that, right?) and the CUTEST, most comfy black dress shoes ever! I'm going to clean out my closet this week I think. Only good stuff that fits and looks good gets to stay.

Yesterday, my friend and I cruised over to Old Navy, where I bought a whole lot of nothing, and then the Gap, where I had hoped to bump into my fun customer and blog reader C (Hi C! hee hee!) but she wasn't working. I bought two way cute skirts, one of which I am currently wearing. Both were marked down from $54, one to $20 and one to $15. Not too shabby!

My friend's brother is going to culinary school and he made us these sandwiches called Monte Cristos. I had never had one before, but oh my goodness, were they good! Talk about a gut bomb though. Afterward, we had dessert. My friend and I stopped at AJ's on the way home because her mom wanted cake. She had never been there before, and she loved it! We bought six individual desserts and then just shared them. We couldn't finish them all, they were so rich. The only one that disappointed was the creme brulee. The others were fantastic. We had tiramisu cake, a devil dog, a mini banana cream pie, and a napoleon. We saved the eclair for her brother.

We gave her dog her first haircut, and a bath. I read Can You Keep a Secret by Sophie Kinsella and Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Robbins. I've been reading a lot more lately. Well, that's the weekend in a (very LARGE!) nutshell!


Blogger Zee said...

I think it was very thoughtful and took alot of strength for you to attend the funeral. Shows the strong character that you sometimes forget you have. ;)I also think those feelings you were having are completely normal. So don't bug out about it. We all have moments of self pitty/ selfishness, whatever it may be, it doesn't mean we are bad or evil, it means we are human. Haha!

Good score on the skirts, I picked up a couple of striped ones from old navy and am pretty happy with the deal I got. :)

1:58 PM  

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