Sunday, July 02, 2006

Existence

I am not suicidal.

I just want to make that clear. I feel that actually committing to kill ones self requires an amount of courage that I do not, nor will not ever have. Yes, this means that I have actually thought about it, but also, in classic OCD style, it means that I have over thought about it.

Slitting my wrists? Um, OW!??!?!? And then there's the mess it would make. I'd have to pass. Jumping into traffic? Again, too painful. Jumping off something? I'm scared of heights, for starters. Then I'd have all the time I was falling to think about how much impact was going to hurt. Drowning? No way. I'd never be able to keep myself down long enough, and I'd panic. Taking pills? Nothing in my house appropriate for that task. Also, there is the possibility that they would just make me sick, and I hate puking. Even worse, someone could find me, and I'd have to get my stomach pumped. From what I hear, that's not really a pleasant experience. Hanging? Painful again, as you don't die right away. Add to that the possibility of losing my bowels when I die and being found in a mess of my own excrement... not how I want to be remembered, for sure.

No, when I am hurting, when I am feeling like this, I close my eyes and I pray to just not exist. Like I'd be here this second, and then you'd blink and *poof!* I'd be gone. Clean, easy, painless. I know it's never going to happen, but oh, I can't tell you how many times or how fervently I have prayed for this. If I didn't exist, I wouldn't hurt anymore. No one would be able to hurt me, physically or emotionally ever again. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone or anything, least of all myself. I wouldn't have any responsibilities, I would not be able to disappoint anyone, I wouldn't ever fear failure. I wouldn't fear at all.

Of course, there would be no little dogs if I didn't exist. No scrapbooking. No trashy magazines or junk food. I would miss those. Well, if you could miss things when you don't exist, anyway.

So I just wanted to say, don't worry about me doing something stupid like trying to kill myself. It's not gonna happen. I'm just not brave enough.

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