Saturday, June 10, 2006


That is the word that I've been hearing over and over lately as a description of me.

And I don't like it. Not one bit.

Yes. I am seriously blunt, honest, sarcastic, and maybe a little bit mean. I will readily admit that. However, I do make an attempt in my everyday life and in dealing with other people to be nice and friendly. I am very polite. I hold my tongue a LOT. Just because I may think, for example, that Grandma shouldn't be sporting spandex, I would NEVER in a million years tell HER that! Well, maybe if she were my friend. I'd want my friends to let me know if I was making a complete ass of myself in public!

Apparently, others have been told that I have no people skills. That really hurts. I try, I really do. I want people to like me. I am nice, I say all the right things, but apparently I don't say them the right way. The problem is that no one TELLS me until it is too late. Like I am just psychic and I am supposed to know when I screw up?

Even friends have told me that I am harsh. I will not deny that. But just because I am honest with my friends doesn't mean that I am trying to be hurtful. I am not going to go out of my way to sugarcoat anything, but I will try to find a way to say what I think, when I am asked, and be honest about it. I pride myself in my honesty, I think that has a lot more to say about my character than my non-existent ability to kiss people's asses.

However, how I deal with my friends is NOT how I deal with people in the workplace setting, and I think this is where they miss the mark. Just like I am sure my friends would not say some of the inappropriate comments or do some of the things they do in front of me in front of their coworkers or clients.

I'm having a serious bout of low self esteem because of this. It's kinda funny, last night we went down to Barnes & Noble and I stopped to peruse the self help section. Every book on low self esteem was stuff like "Learn to say NO and Stand Up For Yourself!" or "Say That You Mean and Get What You Want!" I don't have that problem!!! Dang it. All those books are for the marshmallows out there.

Why can't I just be one of those women who is a bitch? You know one, everyone does. She is a bitch, and people accept that. She is still able to do what she wants to do because she is in control, she says what she wants, when she wants, and no one cares. That's who I want to be. How do people like that get away with it anyway? That's what I want to know. I want to just be able to be me and not care what anyone else says or thinks.

Because think about it. All those things that we, as women, have been told about developing our own self esteem say that we should make people accept us for who we are. I am blunt, and yes, maybe a little harsh. I don't do it out of malice (unless someone really pisses me off, then watch out!) or spite. I'm just honest. I am torn between wanting people to like me and wanting them to accept me for who I am. Where I am now, I have neither of those things.

I honestly and truly do make an effort to be friendly, and nice, and polite. I remember my pleases and thank yous. I smile a LOT, I am almost always smiling, and people have commented on that in the past. But if this ME, the Trying to be Nice ME is seen as harsh, it's like, well, what the hell is the point then? Maybe I should just be a total raging bitch for a few months, not censor myself at all, let people benefit from my views on the world for a while, and then go back to how I am now. Let's let them see what harsh REALLY looks like.

The thing, of course, is that I could never do that. I am not that mean. I am not that cruel. See why I am having issues here? I feel like I need to see a hypnotherapist so that I can be hypnotized to be nice. It doesn't help that I work with seriously, one of the nicest people on the planet. Seriously, think sweet, nice, friendly, pretty, never has a mean word or thought about anyone and even slightly naive. That is what I get compared to on a weekly basis, and honestly, I can't compete with that, nor would I want to.

Someone suggested that I look into a line of work that didn't involve being around other people, such as being a writer. Am I that bad? Anyone have any suggestions? Just typing that makes me feel like crying. Here I thought I was okay, and it turns out that the world thinks that I am some sort of ogre. I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I mean, check out the title of my blog, for crying outloud!

So that's where I am. I need to decide, to I want to work on this even though I feel like I already have been working on it but I've been paddling in place I guess, or do I want to just say SCREW YOU WORLD and be a hermit? I need a reinvention. I just don't like me very much lately.

I'm fat. Check out that ticker at the bottom of the blog. Yeah, it says I lost 14 lbs, and I did. However, I did not update it that I gained back seven. Oops. My jeans are all snug again.

I'm ugly. My skin is breaking out, probably from all the junk I've been eating lately. I haven't really been putting forth any effort into my grooming habits. My legs haven't been shaved in ages, my arms are fuzzy, my brows are undefined and overgrown. My hair is a mess, I hate the curls but I am too lazy to try to straighten them. My cuticles are a disaster, because I pick at them constantly. My nails are irregular and broken, because I don't really feel like filing them into a decent shape. I only put on the bare minimum of makeup each day, as it just seems like a waste of effort to try and impress people who aren't going to be impressed. My toenails have to be truly cringeworthy before I will attempt to clip them and slap a fresh coat of polish on them. Did I mention that I am fat?

I have no sense of style. I wear ill-fitting jeans that I am constantly having to hike up every day. The thought of shopping for a pair that fits makes me sad, because A) I will be admitting just how fat I have gotten and B) trying on clothes that don't fit is depressing and C) it will be an admission of defeat, to buy fat pants. I also pretty much just wear plain tee shirts over my jeans. Nothing stylish, just plain tee shirts with short sleeves that seem to get oddly stretched out in the wash, so they are not cute at all. I clomp around in Crocs all day, because I stand and they are comfy. I used to pay attention to my accessories and always have on cute earrings and I would change my necklace or wear fun bracelets. Not any more. It's naked ears and the same necklace for weeks at a time.

I eat crap. You are what you eat huh? Then I guess I am crap. Totino's party pizzas, Little Debbie snack cakes, Hershey Kisses, Whoppers, chinese takeout, ice cream... I haven't had a vegetable in weeks, unless you count the broccoli in my Beef Broccoli or the zucchini in my Mushroom Chicken. I don't eat the mushrooms. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year with my healthy eating. We cooked all the time. I cut out all those refined bad for you carbs, preferring instead lean protein, fresh veggies and multi grains. I snacked on nuts or sugar free fudgsicles, but only in moderation. Last night I had a chimichanga, this morning a chorizo and egg burrito, and lunch was leftover barbecue pork and fried rice. I've also had several dark chocolate Hershey Kisses, two 2-packs of Little Debbie Devil Squares, and I'll be having a Whopper and a large Icee Float for dinner. Lettuce and pickles count as veggies, right?

I'm lazy. I have no energy to do anything. I feel like I spend all day at work. Since I don't go in until 10am, I sleep until 8:30. Sometimes I sleep later than that and just skip my shower. I'm there till seven fifteen, then I go fetch my husband. By the time I get home, the whole day is gone, I am tired and hungry, and the last thing either of us want to do is cook something. I never go to the gym anymore. I don't pick up around the house. I don't walk the dogs, I just let my husband do it. I don't even scrapbook hardly. I have to finish this album for a client, and I've been on the computer playing Bejeweled and watching HGTV all day!

Oh yeah. And I am harsh. I may be smart enough, but apparently I am not good enough. People DON'T like me. I am a despicable human being.

So yeah. I need a reinvention. I guess I'll have to make a plan and address my issues one by one.

1. I'm fat.
*Start eating healthfully again
*Force self to get up earlier and go to the Gym. 8:00am isn't THAT early.
*Snack smarter
*Less Diet Soda, More Water.

2. I'm ugly.
*Take better care of my skin
*Shave legs every time I shower.
*Set aside one night every week for defuzzing eyebrows, arms, etc. Let's call it Beauty Night.
*Make appt. to get hair straightened. I can afford it now.
*Use self beauty night to also attend to hands and nails. Start using cuticle salve
*Find dang cuticle salve. It's around here somewhere.
*I spend all that money on makeup, might as well use it! Wear makeup EVERY DAY, not just powder either
*#3 on beauty night agenda is pedicure.

3. I have no sense of style.
*Make effort to find jeans that fit, at LEAST one pair.
*Quit buying tee shirts. Old Navy is just an evil enabler
*Take the one minute required every morning to put on some jewelry.

4. I eat crap.
*South beach. It worked before, just do it!
*Prepare healthy snacks to take to work with you, to rid temptation.
*Dittto with lunch.
*Figure out where the hell my crockpot went!!!
*Force self to cook. TOO BAD IF I AM TIRED!!! Think of quick, easy, healthful meals that are yummy.

5. I'm lazy.
*Suck it up
*Start making "To Do" lists every day, and stick to them!
*Put at least one housekeeping item on To Do list every day.
*No computer time until To Do list is completed.
*Get up when the alarm clock goes off the FIRST time. No more Snooze button.
*Be responsible for one dog walk a day, MINIMUM!!!
*Get up earlier and go to the gym.

6. People DON'T like me.
*Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and apply principles to life.
*Try to be more positive by thinking of one positive thing for every pessimistic thought that I think.
*um, I guess I'll need more help on this one.


Blogger Zee said...

I am sooooo very confused. Who is saying all this to you? I know we don't hang very often for obvious reasons but I have only known you to be funny and extremely likeable. Harsh? Nah but sarcastic and witty yes! I just dn't get who is telling you that you are not social and shouldn't work with the public? Seriously I am sitting here with my forhead and eye's all scrunched in that inquisitive "what the hell" look and it's starting to hurt. Just be you, you are not harsh and mean like you are being told, unless you have been completely faking who you are any of the times we've spent time together which I highly doubt!

As for fat, nah, maybe could stand to lose a few but dude so can I. I just had on a bikini top to go do some yard work(backyard can't be seen only) and the rolls and dimply skin was very yucky but I wanted to get a bit of sun. Regardless I am on a quest to lose 15 pounds. Actually if I can get anywhere in the 120-129 range I will be happy. So I am right there with ya!

Ugly? LOL. Not a chance! I've always thought you were very pretty, maybe haven't told you that because I didn't want you finding out about my crush but you are very pretty! Ah crap did I just let out my secret? Ha ha.

Lazy, well it can be very hard to have the energy after a full days work. But the fact that you are being so hard on yourself is probably a bigger factor and I think your lists are great. Maybe I should copy and paste them for

Ok, enough from me. Buck up! I like you the way you are! :)

1:36 PM  
Blogger em said...

Hey...remember you are the not just "imperfect" are SPLENDIDLY imperfect. And the Splendid is worth way more than imperfect. I do like you approach to changing the things you perceive as problem, though I bet it's not as bad as you really think :) I personally think you're pretty hip and cool. 6 <------that is from maddie stepping on my laptop. she rates you a six (out of six, of course!)

9:29 PM  

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