Tuesday, October 25, 2011
First, I want to thank everyone who left well wishes on yesterday's post. I appreciate it.
Second, for anyone who is wondering why I would tell so early, especially considering what happened last time:
This here blog is my journal. I don't blog as a business, or to build a brand, or to make money, or anything like that. This is just a journal and it just happens to be online where others can access it. I figure, if I don't want people to know what I'm up to, then perhaps my behavior isn't what it should be. As long as I know that I am okay with saying "this is me" and not being ashamed, then I must be doing okay.
If my journal were written in a little book, kept in a lock drawer, no one would question me writing about the events of the day. Therefore, I feel like it's okay to write about it here. I know some people may disagree, but hey, different strokes right?
Then there's the whole school of thought that says you should keep your pregnancy secret until you're about twelve weeks along. Why? Because you might lose your baby? I have news for you - that can happen at any point in your pregnancy. It's not up to you what happens, or when. It's up to God. Since it is up to Him, there is no shame in the loss. I didn't do anything to make that happen, so why should I be ashamed to talk about it? That's ridiculous. Besides, if you have told people, you have a better chance at a support system if anything does happen.
Me? I'm so over the moon excited, and at the same time, I'm terrified out of my mind. I've been praying for this for over a year now, and we've been trying for about six months. I told myself that God would give us a child when the time was right and reminded myself every day that it was not up to my timing, but rather His wisdom. Now I'm reminding myself that he is in charge of the child in my womb - I have to let go of control because it just is not up to me. Letting go of wanting to be in control is hard and it's scary. I just have to have faith.
I took the test first thing when I got up yesterday, and when that second line appeared I cried. I mean, it's not every day a prayer that big gets answered! We had a rough night the night before, to say the least, so I needed some happy news. I took it, tied a ribbon around it, and handed it to the boy with instructions to give it to his father. My husband took it, looked at it, looked at me and said (I kid you not) "Last time you popped off a positive test was right after a big fight too, huh?"
I was sort of stunned that this was the first thing he would say after six months of trying. I just sort of nodded my head at him. He sat there for another few minutes, not saying anything at first. Then he hands the test back to the boy (???) and says, "Well. That's a shock. I guess this isn't going to help our financial situation."
What. The. HELL??? That's how you respond when you're told you're going to have a baby? One that you've been trying to have for half a year? One that is coming after a miscarriage??? You're shocked? How? I asked him that, and he said that he had really figured it just wasn't going to happen.
That's right - he had given up all hope after just a few months of trying.
He then sat on the couch and didn't say anything else. I was heartbroken. Not only was my good news immediately brushed aside with financial concerns I didn't get anything resembling happiness about it from him at all. Not a smile, not a hug. Nothing. I sat down on the couch and began to cry, and he sat there on the other end and ignored me. Finally, after I had been crying for a while and was starting to wind down, he looked at me and asked what I expected from him.
I'm working really hard on not having expectations, but it's human nature. We can't help it. The problem is that when you have expectations for a certain situation, you're almost always let down. I know this, and I know it's unrealistic to be mad at other people for not meeting your expectations, but at the same time, am I wrong? Am I out of line for thinking he should have shown some sort of joy at the announcement?
Yeah, I said "Happy Anniversary" yesterday, but it was anything but. I spent a good part of the day crying and feeling depressed, and he spent all day avoiding me. Not the way I imagined this day would be when it came, but what can I do now?
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