FFA Friday - October 14

Weigh in time!

I'm down a pound and a half from last week for a total of 9.5 lbs lost!

I'm not gonna lie to you - this week was hard. I've been struggling with feeling hungry the past few weeks. I'm only allotted 1224 calories a day on MFP to be in my pound and a half a week loss area, and that's just not very much food. I'm HUNGRY. Sure, I get more calories if I exercise, but even if I work out an hour, that's only about 400 calories more - about a chicken sandwich's worth.

Not very much food AT ALL.

I must have a super slow metabolism or something, because when I go over my 1200 calories by more than 100 - 200 calories on a consistent basis, the weight starts to creep back on. That's where the 1 and 2 lb weight gains in the past few weeks have come from. I think, oh, well if the average adult can have 2000 calories a day, surely 1500 won't hurt me, right? WRONG. Oh, so very wrong.

I've been watching what I eat and dieting for about ten weeks now, and I've only lost 9.5 lbs. I've been hungry and my body's been sore for ten weeks, and I don't even have ten pounds to show for my suffering. Seriously, I went several weeks wondering my my boobs hurt, and then I realized one day they didn't - the muscles underneath just have been consistently sore for that long. I'm like an old car - let me cool down too much (like at night, if I'm watching tv and just sitting on the couch) and I get all creaky and movement's rough when I get moving again. I feel like I'm a million years old because I have to lurch, slightly bent over even, to the bathroom during commercial breaks.

There was a terrible incident the other day where I made dinner, and my husband served it. He asked how much to give me, and I told him. He gave me more than he should have and I didn't realize it. Like, almost 300 calories worth more. I didn't realize until the next day when I was looking at the leftovers in the fridge and thinking there should have been more... lots more. I called him to verify my suspicions, and then I cried.

Here I thought that for the first time in a long time, I had a good day. I had exercised, I had eaten all my produce servings, I had drank all my water, I had stayed under my calorie limit... and then to find out it was just another in a long string of failures? I was so over it all.

Everyone tells you that you shouldn't try to do things by yourself, that you should reach out to others and ask for help. You know what happens when you rely on others? You bother them. They don't do things right and you get more stress because now you're mad that they messed it up AND you have to do it yourself anyway. I found myself sitting on my sofa yesterday feeling the heavy weight of depression sinking on my chest and not knowing what to do or who I could call because at that moment, I needed help desperately.

So, getting on the scale this morning and finally seeing a decent drop helped a lot. I'm not asking for miracles here - just a steady pound or pound and a half each week. Maybe the soreness could start to subside a bit. Maybe my body could start getting used to smaller amounts of food, or start feeling full if I have a mostly plant based meal. That sure would help.

Hopefully next week will be easier.