Tuesday, October 07, 2008

It's Closer

I just got home from the doctor. I am scared senseless and totally freaking out. She told me that yes, that lower back pain/crampiness/tightening in my upper belly ARE contractions, I'm 2 cm dilated, and she stripped my membranes. That shit did NOT feel good. She didn't tell me she was going to do it until after she was done. She said oh, don't be surprised if your water breaks in the next few days.


She also told me that if the baby didn't decide to show up on his own by my appointment next Tuesday, that she wanted to start talking about inducing. I was surprised by that, because I didn't think doctors started talking induction until at least 40 weeks. She said, yeah, well, he's starting to get a little big.


She said that we could just wait on him if I wanted, but seriously, if the doctor says he's getting big and she wants him out, I'm going to take her word for it. She's the one who went to medical school, not me. I was an elementary education major! She took advanced biology courses and human devolopment... I took puppetry. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she's the person who would know best in this situation.

Baby is measuring right on track, his heartbeat is good, and despite the copious amount of food I've been eating the last few weeks, I didn't gain ANYTHING since my last visit. I'm up 24 lbs overall, which is right in the frame she wanted me to be at the outset of all this. My blood pressure is good, the itchiness in my hands and feet has subsided, my belly button has healed.

Pretty much the only thing wrong with me is that I am scared out of my ever loving mind right now. I cried on the way home because I was so scared. I kinda felt like an ass, crying because I was scared. I had to tell myself to calm down, and force myself to take deep breaths. I seriously have that "I want my mommy" feeling, and I'm 31 freaking years old! Then I got mad, because I can't HAVE my mommy, and even if I did, she wouldn't be the source of comfort that I need. I guess what I want is a good, loving, supportive mom to be here with me and hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay and give me a hug, and it totally pisses me off that I don't have one.

I also keep telling myself, women have been doing this for MILLIONS of years, and they'll keep doing it for millions of years after me, but in the end, that doesn't matter, because they're NOT ME. I already love this baby so much, and I'm so looking forward to finally getting to meet him and to share all the good stuff life has to offer with him, but I'm scared I guess because I'm completely clueless. It's that proverbial fear of the unknown that's kicking my ass right now.

We're getting down to the wire here... I'm gonna have me a baby soon!!!

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Blogger em said...

I know it must be scary...but just thing of how amazing it is going to be when it's all over! ;) I hear all the time (mostly from the men I work with) how the woman amazingly forget the whole labor and delivery like within a day of being with the baby. :) Good luck, and I can't wait to hear the good news!

1:14 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I remember feeling the same way but trust me once the everything starts setting into motion you will realize it's not as bad as you thought it would be, it will all be over in a flash and you will look back on that day forever, try and remember every bit of it! Can't wait to see pics of him!!

2:15 PM  
Blogger kingsqueen said...

When I had my first I was 21. (Pretty much a kid myself. LOL) I remember going to the dr and him telling me that I was going to come in a week from that day and we were going to induce. I went to MY mom and told her that I had changed my mind - I wasn't going to have this baby after all. LOL
Yeah, a little late for that. What you are feeling is very very normal I promise. I know it must be hard going through this without your mom. I don't know what I would have done without mine. Please email me if there's anything at all I could do to help ease your worries. Everything's going to be great - just you wait and see!

6:14 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

I know exactly what you're going through! The 1st baby is scarey only because it's fear of the unknown. You have nothing to compare this to. Just try to relax & know that when it's all over you will have a beautiful little baby to adore! You're going to get through this & then wonder why you were upset in the 1st place. Hang in there!!

6:20 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

IT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO BE SCARED! And to cry. Heck, I cried for three months AFTER my son was born. I love the daylights out of him but I didn't know what to do with him! All of what you are feeling is perfectly normal, which doesn't make it less scary, but you've had a great pregnancy and you are totally prepared for him to arrive. Be overwhelmed and excited and scared all at the same time! It's okay!

11:11 AM  
Blogger Miss Anne said...


i'm SO EXCITED for you!

i'm praying for a beautiful, low pain birth, filled with joy and your little bundle!

:) cherish these moments, and take heed knowing God will be with you!


11:48 AM  
Blogger Tanya said...

HUGS!! Just think of that beautiful baby!! I can't wait to see the pictures. So exciting!

4:17 AM  
Blogger Marketing Gurl said...

Just found your blog and I love it, and I found it with 9 days to go until you have a baby! Congrats...I will have to keep reading and fill myself in some more! Love your blog!

4:19 AM  
Blogger emily said...

Cry all you need to! I imagine it must be scary and exciting and all kinds of emotions all at once. I have a friend who didn't want to leave the hospital after her first son was born...but she did and she now has 2 boys. You will be great! I also can't wait to see pictures after following your journey here!

8:15 AM  
Blogger Hooptee said...

YAY, almost there!! Hopefully you've already had the little guy! Yes, It's scary, but you'll do great.
btw, when I went in, the estimated Sami at 8 lbs and she was only 6.8.

12:36 PM  

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