Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Have you ever been SO mad

...that you can feel your heart pounding in your chest because of the rage, and it feels like you can't BREATHE???

I got an email today from the ex. I'm going to have a baby too! she says. Oh, and yeah, sorry for what I said.

Uh, okay. This is the part that kills me though: 'I realized I hurt a friend and a friend should never do that to one another.'

No shit, that's why you're not my friend anymore. Duh. I tell her so. Then later, I get this:

And I can see that you will never be mine because you cant forgive. Its fine. I know I can live with what I said and what I did. I know that I tried to say sorry and make a mends. I know I did everything I could to keep a friendship. I also know that I cant make someone my friend who doesnt want to be. If your happy with throwing everything out the door and moving on, then I will be too in givin time. I just want you to know that I wouldnt bash you to the world as you have done to me. As a matter of fact I have sent the text messages to a trusted outsider to read and for them to tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it. I TRIED to find a way to make this work. You on the other hand decided to run with the fact that I am a evil horrible person and blog about it (which I do recall the reason you got mad at me). If you can live with that then fine. But I wont do that. C and the group knows that we had a fight, both of us said mean things, and you decieded it was over. Which is nothing but the truth. But your blog on the other hand is far from the truth. I have the text messages saved to prove it. There was a lot said that I didnt even say. There where things that you twisted around or you changed the meaning of it. Its your blog, and your thoughts so I just let it go. As a matter of fact Im going to stop reading your blog because there is no use in reading it anymore. I just hope you are as happy with your other friends as we were together. I just pray for their sakes that you dont do this to them. No friend deserves to be kicked to the curb and bashed to the world for one little mistake.

That's right folks. Homegirl has completely absolved herself of any guilt in this situation. It was all me, I did it, I blew her itsy bitsy teensy tiny mistake totally out of proportion, I kicked her to the curb, I blasted her in a public forum (guess MySpace doesn't count?), I threw everything out the door. It was ALL ME.

I call bullshit.

My reply:

See, here's the thing. I can forgive. I can't forget. What do you think, I'm you and you're M/C/B? I don't think so.

You can try to make yourself sound like you're being reasonable and this is all on me, but we both know the truth. YOU called me a bitch. YOU said I was lucky to get to be your friend. YOU are the one that said I was stupid about the whole thing with H, and that it was JUST words, and that it wasn't like she was killing all the Mexicans. YOU were the one who laughed at my pain. You say you wouldn't bash me to the world, but you sure would to anyone who was your myspace friend and took the time to read your blog. Yeah, you're so pious and would never do anything like that, right?

The fact that you would show text messages to a "trusted" outsider (again, your friends will ALWAYS take your side, duh) shows me what kind of person you are. Those text messages don't even begin to cover what we discussed, that was all on IM. That's where you said the crap you did. You really think this is because I am mad you ditched me on Sunday? Those text messages mean NOTHING, I have them too. You show them the IM, and then we'll talk about how honest you're really being about all this.

You just want validation that you're a good person and worthy of being loved, no matter what the cost. I'll stand by what I said - you'll overlook anything if it means not having someone leave you. I'd rather be alone than be with people who would talk to me the way you did, who think the way you do about me. That's not what a friend is, and I deserve better than that. Don't tell me you tried to fix anything. Because you sent me a picture of some dog telling me that you're going to have a baby too? Because you said "sorry" a week too late? Because you offered to "pray for me?"

C et al will always side with you because they are your friends, not mine. You really think I give a shit about what her and H think? I'll tell you this - I probably care about what they think of me the same way they care about what I think of them, how's that?

You deserve EVERYTHING that happened to you. I didn't do this, you did it to yourself when you said and did the things you did. It wasn't one little mistake, it was a HUGE one, preceded by a series of little ones. You can try to absolve yourself of all blame on this, like you do with everything else, but deep down, you know the truth - YOU ditched me, YOU treated me like an inferior friend, YOU said all the hurtful things you said, YOU laughed at me. You're just as much to blame in this as me. You can pray all you want, because we both know that's part of the passive aggresive Christian bullshit you were raised with to try and make people feel guilty. If that's all you can do to keep a friendship, well, you've got a lot of learning to do still on your hands.

And trust me, she really doesn't want to know what true bashing really is. Really. The nice thing about having OCD is that you remember EVERYTHING, not because you want to, but because you have no choice. You especially remember bad things, traumatic things, hurtful things.

She went and tattled on me to the group. Boo hoo. I know that mainly means 3 or 4 people, most of whom I dont' even consider friends, so there is a big loss. She ran and told them her side of the story so they'd keep on loving her instead of me. These are the same people that she told me she didn't feel comfortable hanging around because they made her feel like an outcast because they knew her boyfriend cheated on her with a guy. I've never seen them treat her any differently, regardless of whether he was with her or not. She wants to call dibs on them now in this breakup, she can go right ahead. I'll keep socializing with them the way I always have until they ask me to stop.

She says she hopes I am as happy with my other friends as we were together. She KNOWS I don't have any other friends, that she was the ONLY person I considered a true friend to me, and there's no way she didn't say this as a deliberate way of hurting me. I cried last night, because my baby deserves to have an army of people love her, and instead, she just gets me and my husband. This baby will have no aunties or uncles, and the only grandparents thousands of miles away. There will be no friends stopping by to see the baby, and I probably won't get to have a baby shower. It's not even about the presents, it's about friends, and celebrating this big life event surrounded by love and well wishes. It breaks my heart, but what am I supposed to do? Just say, Oh, I know you've been a total self righteous turd towards me, but who cares, as long as you love me and will keep hanging out with me!

Yeah, right. I'm sorry Baby, I really am.

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Blogger Jennifer said...

I'm just a lurker, but I couldn't read and not post. just wanted you to know I was sending (((hugs))) your way. Yes, your baby will have one less auntie, but just like you don't need a friend like that, Bubba doesn't need someone in his/her life who treats you that way. I'm sorry you're hurting!

3:56 PM  
Blogger Devon said...

Wow, I can't believe she tried to come crawling back. I know it was hard but good for you for not giving in. Honey if she did this to you know, she's better off not in your life and not being and Aunt to Bubba. You would't want Bubba to get attached then you guys have a falling out. HUGS!!

4:40 PM  
Blogger em said...


7:44 PM  
Blogger Cari Skuse said...

Hugs to you! That stinks.

9:37 AM  

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