Monday, August 07, 2006

This is a hard post

Last night, I wanted to go buy some eyeliner, so my husband and I decided to go ahead and get dinner at the mall. I had been on my diet all week, and even though I lost 4 lbs in the first 3 days, I gained it all back, so I was feeling like SCREW IT, I want Panda Express! Of course, the line there was about a mile long, while across the food court there was no line at the Japanese place. Japanese it was. I could live with sesame chicken instead of orange flavored chicken... I'm a trooper, right?

Wrong. The person who got in line in front of me while I was deciding what I wanted got the last of the fried rice. Since it was 8:30, they weren't going to be making any more. I was so bummed, I really wanted that fried rice! I figure, if you're going to eat crap like rice, better make it worth it! Anyway, it's better to eat starches with fat as it slows the absorption of the sugar into your bloodstream.

I was disappointed, but since I had my heart set on it, I went ahead and decided to go ahead and wait in line at Panda. You guessed it, after standing in line for 10 minutes, the person in front of me got the last of the fried rice there too! That meant that if I had gone there in the first place I would have been able to get what I wanted. I told the girl at the counter never mind, and went off in search of my husband.

He took one look at me and my empty hands, and he was like OH NO! Not again! This is where it gets bad.

I almost had a meltdown right there. In the middle of a very large, very busy, mall food court. In front of probably HUNDREDS of people. Over FRIED RICE. I was just standing there, fighting off tears, and I didn't want anything else, and I felt so defeated. I just wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. My husband tried to offer alternatives, but I practically couldn't register what he was saying. I just wanted to go home.

As we started to walk toward the exit, I realized that I was having an emotional crisis, for lack of a better term, over stupid fried rice. I knew it was stupid, I knew I should just get over it, that it wasn't a big deal, but I couldn't. That was the hard part. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't stop.

My husband remembered about a place we had found a few months ago that was open a little later, so we went there to get me some rice. That poor man, what he has to deal with when it comes to his crazy wife.

So, we're driving there, and I am still thinking about how stupid it was that I almost had a complete emotional meltdown triggered by rice in public. I am almost thirty years old and I was going to cry about not getting fried rice. I'm too old for that, I'm not a four year old!

Well, then I started thinking about I am almost thirty. I am almost done with another decade of my life, and what do I have to show for it? I don't own a home. I haven't had any children. We only have a car because my father in law gave us one. I haven't finished school. I have no career. Heck, I'm not even sure if what I am going to school for is really what I want to do. I have lots of talents, things that I am good at, but none of them are really worthwhile. So I have a really organized scrapbook room, I can do all sorts of fun things like make Kindergarten handwriting practice worksheets in MS Word, and I can design a cute party invitation in a pinch. Those things will get me NOWHERE in life. Absolutely nowhere. I don't have any worthwhile skills at all.

So then I start to think that maybe my mother was right all those years ago when she told me that I was worthless. I am pretty worthless. My boss has threatened to close the store twice already because of ME, or at least she seems to want to blame it on me, I'm a financial drain on my spouse, I can't seem to muster the courage or will to give my in laws grandkids, I can't keep friends, I'm fat, I'm lazy...

So of course I start to cry. I'm crying right now thinking about it. My poor husband is like, IT'S OKAY, we're going to get you some rice, it will be okay. He still thought it was about rice, and I was having dilemmas with my entire existence! This all snowballed in my head in no less than five minutes.

I think I might be depressed. You think? I've been thinking that maybe I need my meds upped for the past few months now, but this is really bad. Maybe I'm overreacting, but then again, that's what I do, I overreact. I don't want to be crazy anymore. I've been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, General Anxiety Disprder, Depression, and Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, due to my childhood. PTSS is what soldiers who have been to war and people who have been in major traumatic accidents have, and the doctors think I have it due to my childhood. Unbelivable!

Anyway. I need to schedule my yearly exam (YUCK) so I'll talk to the doctor then about my meds. Poo, because I just bought a three month supply! Oh well.

May tomorrow be a better (saner) day.


Blogger Sofia said...

(((hugs))) I can totally relate to what you're saying. I've been there. I've freaked out about stupid things and then started thinking about how worthless I am and about how my life sucks and then I turned to food to comfort me. You're not alone. For me, it had a lot to do with my depression, so I'd definately advise you to talk to your doc about it. Those little pills really can make a difference! Of course I still struggle with it, but I feel a lot less crazy and more like myself.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

This is probably going to sound bad, but your post cracked me. Why? Because I have been in very similair circumstances where one silly thing trigger a chain of thoughts about my life and lack of accomplishments. I have layed in bed and cried. I have been depressed, but I have never been medicated. Not saying it isn't what you need, just that those thoughts are pretty normal. So don't be so hard on yourself. If it means sitting down and planning your life, then do it. You are smart and talented and funny. You really can be what you want to be. You make or break yourself. If you want to be happy, figure out what would make you happy, and do it. I know it's easier said than done, but don't stop trying!

4:16 PM  

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