Monday, July 10, 2006

I'm glad I'm not a drinking person.

Imagine for a moment that you are going in for a review at work. The person who is giving you your review doesn't work with you, and therefore doesn't get to observe you doing your job. All they have to base your entire review upon is negative comments that others have made about you. Now, you may have people that you have actually worked with, who think highly of you, but those people never gave your reviewer any feedback. They actually acknowledge this, but the focus remains on how much of a fuck up you are perceived to be based on the received feedback anyway. How would you feel?

Apparently, my boss has gotten "lots" of bad feedback about me. I suck. People don't like me. Okay, I get it. What can I do? I know that there are people who DO like me, or at least they act like they do. How do I face these customers knowing that they may just be one of the people that are acting nice to my face then turning around and tattling on me in an email to my boss?

I try to be nice, and to be helpful to people. I actually, believe it or not, LIKE helping people, and sharing my knowledge. Nevertheless, I am told that I am too "black and white, right and wrong" even though I make a concerted effort to give options, not definitve answers, when asked a question. I am told that I am too "harsh" and mean, when I smile at everyone and offer help and make an effort to be perky and upbeat. I am told that I internalize things and try to make them all about me, when negative criticism is given about tasks I was left responsible for but not given the tools, information, or authority to complete them.

I'm NOT good enough, I'm NOT smart enough, and no, as a matter of fact, people DON'T like me!

I've gotten to the point where I am wondering why should I ever leave the house? I have everything I need right here. No need to go shopping for clothes, I have PLENTY of tee shirts and pajama pants to wear everyday. No need to buy shoes, I can go barefoot or wear my flip flops or Crocs out to walk the dogs. No need to drive to a friend's house, my only local friend lives a whole building away in the same apartment complex. I have my husband, my dogs, my scrapbook room, and tivo all here in my apartment. I get to make decisions and I get to be in charge and no one can complain about me anonymously. No one here thinks I am an offensive person because I used the term "eye candy" in a layout.

Sometimes, I think that it might be worth it to give up the ability to feel emotions such as happiness, sadness, excitement, or anger, if I could just get to not have to feel at all, and just be able to live my life without caring. My husband says that isn't healthy, and that sounds a lot like I sounded when I was going through my depression. Maybe I am still depressed. I think I have reason though. I mean, I'm a failure. I failed at going to college (even though I left with a 3.46 GPA, thank you very much! The most successful failure ever I guess!), I failed at being a part of a family, I failed at having friends, I failed at being successful in my job(s). Why should I even bother trying at anything anymore?

I know that a big part of my problem is that I just care too much, and when it's not reciprocated, I end up getting hurt. I am wary of joining groups, whether they be clubs, online message boards, workplaces, cliques, families. I want to belong, so badly, to something, anything at all; I just want so much to be a part of something bigger than myself. Any time that I join a group though, I end up being cast out of it for whatever reason. The crappy part is that it usually comes as a total shock to me, and I never see it coming. People can sure be evil that way. For example, I was a member of a MSN group a few years back. One day, the owner kicked me out and denounced me as being a horrible person. Why? Um, I got a puppy, didn't keep her up to date on the progress of my wedding plans (didn't realize I was supposed to check in with her!) and a whole year earlier I made a layout that I tried to sell on Ebay that used a Sizzix ghost die cut which I embellished with the word "boo" (creative, I know!) and SHE made a layout using a Sizzix ghost die cut which SHE embellished with the word "boo" so I must have copied her and tried to profit from her idea.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my nose hurts. I am tired but I cannot sleep. It's actually making my eyes hurt to look at the screen, so I am watching my hands type instead (so, sorry for typos!) but the keyboard is more comfortable to me than pen and paper to get my feelings out these days. I have to go in to work tomorrow, but I don't want to have to face the very people who hate me so much that they can't handle being able to say it to my face but instead have to bad talk me to my boss (who is not in the store during the week, when I am) via email.

I hurt because people don't like me, even though I make an effort to be likable. I hurt because everything I do, from merchandising new products (you MOVED stuff!) to my happy hour layouts (they're too "Simple Scrapbooks" and not everyone is into that you know) is criticised by my coworkers, even though they dont' make an effort to contribute to those kinds of things. I hurt because SOMEONE is exaggerating SOMEWHERE, whether it is my boss with how many complaints she gets about me, or customers with how horribly I treat them, but I'll never be able to know where the exaggeration is coming from. I hurt because maybe they're not exaggerations at all.

Everyone of us knows, or has known a bitch in this life. She's a hardass, she lives her life the way she pleases with absolutely no regrets, she takes no crap from anybody, she says what is on her mind without caring about other people's opinions on the matter, but people seem to like her anyway. They appreciate that is just who she is, and while she may not be loved by everybody, she Just. Doesn't. Give a damn!

I want to be that bitch.

Screw being nice. Screw caring what other people think about me. Screw worrying about making others happy. It's time to live my life with no regrets, to make a life for myself that I love, and to remember that I am number one in this life, my life. I used to say that I was the only person who would be with me and remain loyal to me until the day I died, but lately, I guess I haven't been very true to myself. I am so caught up in worrying that people don't like me, like a whiny five year old, that I've started to sacrifice who I am. I don't know how to strike a healthy balance between the two.

You know, I was pretty darn happy before I started working full time and started having my character questioned on a near-constant basis because of this assistant manager position. Tonight, I told my boss I no longer want that responsibility. I've talked it over with my husband, and I think I am going to talk to her about cutting back my hours too. I want me back. I want to be happy again.

I want to quit sounding like a whiny five year old for crying out loud!


Blogger xxx said...

when you come home unhappy from work, it is time to move on or do something different. you sound like you know what you need to do.

btw, sometime less is more on the "simple scrapbook" layouts--isn't it suppose to be about the picture and the moment? you have cute layouts, imo

12:54 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

I agree that your layouts are great! If they want variety then have others do some to geesh. I also agree that maybe cutting back your hours might be the break you need. I get so confused when reading your posts, I really don't understand where these negative opinions are coming from.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. Wish I could be there for ya, girls night out. ;) Just know you have a friend in me.


9:02 PM  

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