Saturday, December 03, 2005

Am I a Redneck by Association?

Did you know that comedian Jeff Foxworthy now has a line of his own Christmas cards? Yes, you too can send all your friends and relations a "You might be a Redneck if..." greeting specially tailored for the holidays!

I looked at the cartoon on the front of the box, and it showed a guy sawing down a tree on the side of the road. There was a little I-90 sign next to him, and a state trooper. It said, You might be a Redneck if you've ever gotten your Christmas tree from a highway median!

I about DIED laughing there in the aisle. My husband didn't think it was THAT funny.

See, the thing is, I used to date this cheap man. He was not frugal, he was not thrifty. He was as cheap as they come. Like steal sugar packets from work cheap. Like use a teabag 4 times cheap. Like every gift he gave me while we were dating was something he got free from work cheap.

So anyway, that first Christmas we lived together, I mention wanting to get a tree. He says no way, they cost way too much. I say we can get a small one. He says it's stupid to spend money on something that's going to get thrown out at the end of the month. I was bummed, but I was also 17 and didn't think to say screw you I'll get my own.

So a week later he comes home all excited. Seems some guy at work applied for a permit to cut his own tree, but since he hadn't applied early enough, he didn't get the national forest that he wanted, so he decided to buy a tree instead. He sold the permit to my boyfriend for $5. Looked like we were going to get a tree after all!

That weekend, we load up the car with his son and my little brother, and we head off to go get our tree. None of us had ever gone to cut our own tree before, so we were excited.

We got up there and drove and walked around all day. We quickly realized why that guy didn't want the permit for this forest. The trees sucked! They were either small and sickly looking, or way too big to consider taking home. We looked into the night, and didn't find a single good tree. We decided to head home, feeling defeated.

Halfway between Flagstaff and Phoenix, the boyfriend pulls over on the side of the road by the median. We were all like, what's going on? He says dammit, I paid for a tree, we're GETTING a tree. I told him it was too dark to go back. He says we're not going back, we're getting that tree over there. He pointed to the median.

Sure enough, about 15- 20 yards back, there is what seems to be (in the dark anyway) a fine specimen of a tree. Tall, but not too tall, full, even, shaped nicely. I say, you can't cut down that tree. We're not in that forest anymore. He says watch me. I paid for a tree, I'm getting a tree.

We walk over there, and he says this will work. I say, it's not even a pine tree. It was this weird other kind of evergreen, with these blue berry looking things on it, that turned green when you rubbed them. And it had prickles! Lots of them!!!

He tells me he's going to get the saw. Now, I knew he didn't own a saw, but he assured me that his brother did, and he borrowed it from him. I should have checked, but like I said, I was 17 and didn't know better.

Homeboy comes back with - I kid you not - a tiny handsaw with a 7 inch blade. I was like, are you KIDDING ME??? That's not going to cut down this tree. He says sure it will, we just have to take turns and use elbow grease! I told him that I didn't want a tree anymore, could we please just go home, it was cold. He insisted that was HIS tree now, he was entitled to it because he paid for it. I was like, whatever!

My brother, his son, and he all took turns sawing at this tree. The boys started to complain of blisters after a bit, and they didn't want to saw anymore. After a while more, he decided that it was too much work after all and he didn't want the tree anymore. I told him oh no, you didn't just kill that tree for nothing, you're taking it now! Get back to work!

This whole time, I am so worried that a highway patrolman is going to come and haul us all off to jail for stealing this tree!

He decides that the saw isn't going to do the job after all, so they all start taking turns throwing themselves at the tree in an attempt to break the trunk. I can't make this stuff up! It looked pretty ridiculous.

They finally got that tree down, and we got it home, and it made our apartment smell really funky for the rest of the month. We also had to wear shoes inside because it shed lots of prickles on the way in, and they were impossible to vaccuum up completely.

So does that make me a redneck by association or what?


Blogger Sexy Bitch said...


11:28 PM  

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