Sunday, September 18, 2005

Confessions of an infatuation junkie

Do you know what an infutuation junkie is? It's pretty much just what it says, someone who is addicted to being infatuated, or rather, the feelings and emotions that come with being infatuated with someone. You may wonder how one can be addicted to a feeling, but isn't that what most addictions are? The craving of a simple rush and the satisfaction that follows?

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 1/2 years. We will be married two years at the end of October. I love him to death. He is the only man I have been with or even kissed in the last 5 1/2 years. He is the only man I plan on being with for the rest of my life. I meant what I said when I took my marraige vows. My mother had been married 4 times by the time she was 36, and I vowed that would not be me. This one is for life, right?

The thing is, I think about kissing other people a lot lately. Okay, maybe not just lately. It comes and it goes periodically, oh, every 8 months to a year or so. I don't want to sleep with other people. That's not the thing. I'm not interested in having sex at all with anyone but my husband. The thought of it is actually kinda icky to me. blech.

My problem is that I love love love the feeling of being totally infatuated with someone. I love to watch them, wonder what they are thinking, what it would be like to be so very close to them, wonder what they think of me, what it would feel like to have them kiss me. I love the flirting, the playing, the uncertainty of it all. I love having them fill my thoughts at random moments of the day, and the flushed, giddy feeling that you get when you are actually around them. And then the moment where it all comes to fruition and you actually touch, then make out for the first time, it's like magic, it's electricity running all the way through you. Your heart beats wildly and you are reduced to pure instinct and satisfaction.

I don't care what ANYONE says, there is NOTHING like the feeling of kissing someone for the first time. Absolutely nothing feels like that, and you can't ever recapture that feeling, no matter how hard you try.

Hell, you know people talk about sex dreams? I don't have sex dreams. I don't think I've ever had one that I can recall. I'll tell you what I have had though. I've had kissing dreams! How corny is that? That's all we do, just kiss, usually standing up!

It's not that there is anyone I am infatuated with right now anyway. I can't think of a single person that I feel is crush/infatuation worthy in my life right now. A few years back I was crushing on a guy in one of my classes, but that lasted like 2 months and then I was like, eh, he's not so great.

And NEVER, NEVER would I give up what I have with my husband for a stupid makeout session with some disposable person. I'm not that stupid. I love my husband, and I know how good I have it in our relationship now, and I highly doubt I would be able to find a partner who I am so good with and who is so good with me ever again. I am very very lucky.

But I still think about it. It kinda worries me and creeps me out a little. And when I get in the middle of that cycle, I look at everyone. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, but a lot of folks. I watch their mouths, how they talk, how they move, wonder what it would be like. It's totally an unconscious thing, and it's not fun when I realize that I am doing it, because I don't want to do it, I don't want to think about other people that way. I want to FEEL that good old feeling once again though. I crave it.


Blogger Melissa said...

I think most of us crave the fireworks and all. Hopefully you will reach a point with hubby that you will get that again with him. Don't feel bad about it. Heck, guys do it all the time with women. At least you aren't fantasizing about someone. You are just thinking about the feelings you had when you first started datind your husband, that's all.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous desiree said...

I agree with Missy- guys do it all the time...fantasize, that is. Just look, don't touch. Those first kiss feelings are great...wish we could bottle those...hmmm...:0)

10:31 AM  

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