Thursday, September 05, 2013

The State of this Blogger.

I've taken to blogging in my head at night.

While I lie there waiting for sleep to come and grace me with its presence, my mind begins to fill with words.  They fall into place as the narration of my own thoughts, my feelings, and they take the form of a familiar voice.  My voice.  The voice I hear and feel when I write.

The only thing is, I'm not writing.

Maybe this is a contributing factor to my insomnia.  I have all this junk in my head that I'm not letting out anymore.  I've always said that this blog is my journal.  It's supposed to be a place where I explore my thoughts, ideas and feelings, but lately, it hasn't been.  I guess I started to get into the idea that there had to be a purpose to posting here.  I had to have something cool to share, some freebie to give, something to make my audience want to come back for more.

Problem is, there wasn't more.  Nothing big.  Nothing important.  No fun blogger events attended, no cute projects made, no yummy recipes cooked.  Just a whole lot of nothing.

The mundane.

The usual.

The boring.

When I think about it though, aren't most of us boring most of the time?  Sure, we all have our moments when we sparkle, but isn't the reason we refer it as "The Everyday" is that it happens Every Day?

That's me right now.  Each day is pretty much the same.  Since nothing new or noteworthy is going on I don't find myself drawn to the computer as much.

And that is a problem.

I can look back to old posts about my son and see things, details, that didn't seem like such a big deal at the time but that make me smile and feel all happy/nostalgic now. It was such a blessing in those first few months of Kelly's life when everything felt so hard to look back at how I handled my first newborn and to see how far I had come, and how much better things actually were when they didn't always necessarily feel that way.  It makes me sad to know that I don't have as complete a record of Kelly's first year of life, and that there is no volume on the bookshelf next to "Waiting for Bubba" for her, nor will there be because I just wasn't blogging.  I haven't been keeping those records of my thoughts like I did before and it's just sad to me because there's nothing I can do about it now.

I started out feeling like I was too run down to do anything extra, especially blogging.  Then I started to feel like so much time had gone between posts that I had to come back with something interesting if I was going to blog.  After joining a local blogger's group on Facebook (you know, people who are blogging for income and to make a name for themselves; the types of bloggers who spend time editing photos and going to conventions) I started to feel like I had to do what they were doing and be fancy.  I just didn't have the time or energy (oh this baby has worn me out!) to do that, so instead I did nothing at all.

I need to go back to being me.  I've not been myself for so long now, I'm not sure where to begin.  I'm not just talking the blog either.  Pregnancy drained me pretty badly (turns out gestating a 10lb 7oz baby will do that to a person), then being a new mom again drained me, then dealing with a needy infant and exclusively pumping drained me, then issues with knee and tailbone pain drained me...

I realize now that I was falling into a pit of depression, but I couldn't take my meds while I was breastfeeding. Going to physical therapy helped some, because I was able to get out of the house and me SARA and not mom or the milk machine or the wife for a few hours each week  My physical therapist/nutritionist was a freaking God-sent angel in those months! When I stopped going there, that is when things started to get really bad.  I gained over 25 lbs in 25 weeks and now weigh more than I ever have not pregnant.  My house is a mess.  I hardly cook anymore.  I'm still dealing with some tailbone pain (due to being pregnant with said giant baby) and also back pain for the past few months.  I've been in some sort of physical pain of one type or another every day for over a year now, and I'm tired of it.

Oh, and of course as you can see from the time this is being posted, the insomnia is back too.  With a vengeance.

I feel a bit better now that I'm back on my anti-anxiety meds and the baby is a more independent.  I mean, she's still a handful (WAAAY more than the boy ever was!) but it's not as bad as it was six months ago.  Bubba is in school for two and a half hours each day which is nice.  He's also going to bed earlier which gives us a couple of hours of quiet time in the evenings.  I guess I just feel like I got so far into that pit of depression without realizing it, that even though I'm heading upwards now, I'm still way below the starting line.  I'm not even close to being back out and I'm not even entirely sure how to get out.

I know I need to work on setting some sort of schedule for myself.  This will be hard due to the insomnia and my erratic sleeping hours.  I need to take better care of myself.  It wouldn't kill me to shower more often, wear makeup once in a while, and to get a haircut that I can actually style instead of just throwing up in a messy ponytail.  I need to eat better.  I need to figure out when I can work in some exercise.  I need to spend less time playing on my phone while sitting on the couch, and more time being productive, whether it be making a menu plan, working on my scrapbooking, cleaning something, or taking time to work with Bubba on reading.

OMG I didn't tell anyone that he's starting to READ now!  Like, actually reading and not just memorizing words or recognizing environmental print!

I actually got out of bed to write this because I just couldn't go one more night with just blogging in my head.  I need to work on writing down the mundane, the boring, the every day, because when you look back at it, the every day is pretty damn special in and of itself.  Writing, recording, journaling - it's what I do.  It's a part of who I am and it's been a part of who I am since I was thirteen years old and a freshman in high school.

If I want to get me back, I need to get back to basics, one thing at a time.  This is the thing I'm starting with first.

Prepare to be bored, friends.  :)

Also, my last freebie?  Downloaded almost 400 times.  Didn't get one damn comment on that post.  BOO.

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Blogger Jaime said...

I always love reading your posts, esp the everyday ones! Feel free to keep "boring" me :-)

6:08 AM  
Blogger Felicia said...

Glad to see you blogging again.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Linda Roessler said...

Keep on blogging! Don't be so hard on yourself.
I started scrapbooking when my kids were in elementary school and when I went back, I found missing months (nearly years) of their life not photographed :( With camera phones now, even if you didn't write down the words, I am sure you can look at a photo and remember what it was about. Someday it won't be important that you don't remember that tantrum, you will remember all the fun times before they were teens ha ha ha...then you will remember it really wasn't that bad and that you have pretty awesome kids :D

I've been reading your blog for years and even though I don't know you, I enjoy your blogging--weird, right? ha ha ha.

Someday, your house will be quiet again and you will cherish the times you didn't have time to clean :D Until then, just enjoy your babies as long as they allow you to baby them. Take care!

8:59 AM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

I went through a stage of feeling like my life was "uneventful". I've come to realize that I love that about my life, security is the most important thing to me now. I'm so grateful that I have good, "boring" things in my life. The fact that I know where I'm going to lay my head down every night, that I have a loving supporting partner and full time job that allows me to contribute to my household.
I've followed your blog for a few years and I rarely comment. I hope this does not come across as rude, but I don't "owe" you a comment, just like you don't owe me an exciting post. I enjoy the majority of your posts, especially the ones when you think you're going crazy, because you're not, because I can relate to those most and I know I'm not crazy.
I remember that I started reading your blog, because you had commented on another blog I followed with some very encouraging and thoughtful words and I thought, "Wow, here is someone who has probably never met this person, but they can say such kind things."
Keep up the good work and remember that everything you do should be for you and your family.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Yeah...for baby steps! The mundane is precious. I spent hours last week-end just watching my youngest grandchild play outside. It was a very special time. So, don't worry about telling us about the mundane of everyday life. It is real and I, for one, like it!

11:11 AM  
Blogger Muffy said...

Oh, I'm so glad you're back! I've missed your posts. Keep us updated on your progress. Your kids are so cute. XOXO

7:48 PM  

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