Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Due Date

Remember that time last summer when I got pregnant? Remember how it happened even though I had an IUD, which, by the way, my doctor said was exactly where it should be and had no reason to not work? Remember how I only wanted one child, so I was totally freaking out? Remember how once I wrapped my mind around the idea and we were both excited to have a baby, I lost that baby?

I remember. I remember now, more than ever, because tomorrow would have been my due date.

I thought I was okay. I thought I was over it. I thought I had moved on.

I thought wrong.

It started in late December. Just little thoughts that would creep into my head here and there; how I would have been going into my third trimester, how we would have been getting things ready. It got worse in January. By February there was no denying it.

I want another baby.

I find myself holding up little outfits when I'm out shopping, imagining how it would feel to hold an infant in my arms. I gaze longingly at people I see with newborns when we are out and I smile. I almost started to cry looking at layette things in the children's section of Nordstrom. I found it hard to catch my breath walking by the cribs in Ikea. At this point, I think about having another baby each and every day.

I haven't told my husband. He would totally freak out, I know it. It's easier to keep it to myself, to say to myself that the reason we can't have a baby is because I won't say anything about wanting one, instead of having to say that my husband won't let us have one and having to resent him for it. I carry my pain and my longing inside of me, my secret from the world.

Except now I guess it isn't so secret. I sat outside tonight and I cried for that baby we lost last summer. I prayed so hard for that pregnancy to stick. I wanted that baby so bad. I never knew that I could want a child so much, and I never knew how much it could hurt to lose something I never thought I wanted in the first place.

I mean, when I got pregnant the first time, I wanted to have a baby. I loved that baby with all my heart, and I still do. The thing was, that was the only baby I ever planned on having. We were one and done. It wasn't until I found myself pregnant and faced with the uncertainty that it brought that I realized not only that I wanted another child, but that I wanted another child very badly.

God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.

I don't know. I don't know what to think. All I know is that today is hard and tomorrow will be harder.


Blogger Katy said...

I'm so sorry, and I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know I've felt guilty every time I post a comment, like I'm rubbing it in your face (obviously that would be nowhere near my intention). I hope you can get some extra hugs from Sawyer today.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Mark, Shannon, Trey & Boston said...

Oh I am so sorry your feeling this way right now!!!! We had a miscarriage before Trey and I was due Christmas Eve and I still can't get that out of my head when the time comes. I don't know if you have ever been to my sister's blog but she is pretty amazing and uplifting when it comes to losing a baby
I hope you find even a little comfort from visiting that site--and seriously let me know if you need anything!

8:11 AM  
Blogger Samara Link said...

Dates like today are tough reminders of loss. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now. The baby pull can be a giant tug at every string of your heart. Hopefully you can find some small joys and peaceful moments today.

9:24 AM  
Blogger Maggi said...

Oh, Sara. I'm so sorry. I went through something so similar before getting pregnant with this baby... If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Just wanted you to know I'm sending good thoughts your way ... I'm sorry. :(

11:47 AM  
Blogger Wendy Mattfolk said...

I do not know you personally, Sara, but my heart breaks for your loss & for the grief you are experiencing. I will say that perhaps if you both found the desire in joy in that pregnancy & the idea of another child that maybe it can be found again by your husband as it is in you.

I hope that your heart will heal & that someday you will be blessed with the child you ache for.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Shayla Van Hofwegen said...

Hey Sara, You don't really know me, but I feel like I know you. I am Shannon Smith's sister, and have read your blog every time you post since your post about your miscarriage. I know what it feels like to get pregnant, and lose the child. I know that feeling that you can't shake, and the world turns into a baby making society. Everyone seems to pregnant around you and it makes it so hard to not think about being pregnant again every second of every day. However, I can honestly tell you, tomorrow may be hard but you will get through. Try and do something to honor your precious baby. Let a ballon go with a note attached or you could buy a bouquet of flowers and donate them to the hospital. Grief is such a hard road, because there is no right way or wrong way- your way is the best way for you! I love making purpose out of the pain I feel, and giving back does that for me.
Yes, I will be the first one to agree with you that what we as mommies feel is different than our husbands. He may not share the same feelings as you, and that is hard to deal with. However, connecting with other mom's who have miscarried really has helped me. They get me, and I love having their support, encouragement, and complete understanding. I am here for you, if you need to vent or talk. I will pray for you tomorrow. Email me if you need anything.

8:00 PM  
Blogger AZAnjanette said...

i know your pain. My first baby, that took so long to even get pregnant with, that I was thrilled with, was born too early at 20 weeks. He was fully formed from head to toe and beautiful, only he was just under a pound with lungs that were not yet made to work. It was devastating. I have two more children, a girl and a boy, ages 6 and 3 and I love them to pieces but one thing forever missing from my world is that boy I lost. Sharing in your sadness and grief. The only thing that gets me thru it is the saying that "in order for Heaven to be truly perfect, it must contain everything from the smallest flower to the biggest tree".

12:01 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

ugh I suck at knowing the right things to say here :( I'm sorry. And thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with us. We're privileged.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Cardas Photography said...

Thinking about you. I hope you did something for you both.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Paula - Buenos Aires said...

I extend my arms and my heart to you.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Lylah Ledner said... sorry about the loss of your little one.....i appreciate your heart to be so vulnerable and real in expressing that desire and longing....


7:56 PM  

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