Thursday, March 25, 2010
I was reading through the archives of my latest blog discovery, and I came across a post about girlfriends. The part that really struck me was this paragraph:
Now that I'm twenty something-or-other I'd really like more cool girls to hang out with every now and again. Did I miss the sign up sheet? I just want to meet up and have drinks at happy hour. When I have one too many drinks at said happy hour, I want to be able to trust that you won't let me drive home. You will drive me home and then pour me another glass of wine, duh I'm not done. I want to be your friend when you're having a shitty day, although I don't want to only be your friend when you're having a shitty day. I need for you to be able to talk about something, anything, nothing other than yourself from time to time. When I ask you if you want to meet up, I want you to say "hell yes" instead of telling me all of the reasons why you can't. I want you to laugh with me, cry with me, hate with me. And I promise to do the same for you.
She just totally described something that I've been feeling lately that I didn't even fully realize I had been feeling lately. I think I'm lonely. Yeah, I have the moms in our playgroup, and friends who are girls, but I don't have a group of girls, or even someone that I can call a best friend, of my own. I can't say that I'm gonna call up "my girls" because I don't really HAVE girls. Heck, I'm not even greedy. I'd be happy with one person to be my best friend.
Yeah, I had a best friend. But if you read what Brown Girl wrote in that paragraph, THAT is the kind of best friend relationship that I want. The last few years with exBFF were not like that. All I ever heard about were her shitty days - mine could never be as shitty as hers, because I had a husband, I had a baby, I didn't have to go to a job I hated with a boss who was mean to me. My problems were always put on the back burner because we always had to talk about if she could "do this" and if she could be in this relationship or if she could move out of her mom's house or if she could buy a car or if she could leave this job. I didn't have to worry about those things, so I wasn't as important. If I called her and wanted to meet up, she was always too busy, because she had to clean or she had to do work, or she had to meet up with her boy/girlfriend, or she was too tired. There was always a reason why she couldn't.
So really, my "best" friend was anything but. I've been needing a best friend for so long that I needed one when I thought I already HAD one! How's that for a crappy realization? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want her back AT ALL. Obviously, she was a bad friend and I realize that now. Also, at my age you probably don't want to hang with someone who is skank enough to post "Girl parts are like a spider web - sometimes you catch stuff you don't want!" as her Facebook status. (husband is still friends with her; no clue why. I saw it on his feed. He checks on the TV. I was NOT snooping.)
But geez, is it too much to ask for someone who wants to hang out with you? Who looks forward to spending time with you even if it's just doing nothing? Someone with whom you can share stories and laughs and interests? Someone who believes that true friendship is about support and honesty and caring and not about lying and being two faced? Heck, someone who believes in true friendship period, and not just amassing large numbers of acquaintances who only like you on a superficial level?
Maybe it is. Boo.
(Today is the day I said I was going to try running again. My thighs HURT. It's also 4 am and I have yet to go to bed because insomnia has decided that it DOES want to be my friend. Boo again)
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