Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Telephone

I've never been good at the whole "telephone" thing. I think that you develop a lot of your phone habits when you're in junior high. If you talk a lot then, you probably will be a lifelong phone chatter. If you mostly write notes, you'll probably be more into emails and texting. If you are reserved and don't do much of either, you will find it hard to use those avenues of communication once you are older.

In junior high, I was a bit of an outcast. Because I skipped a grade, I was always a year or two younger than all my peers. I was also labeled as a "nerd" because I liked to read and knew big words. We were pretty poor, so I never had cool clothes or the latest fad. I kind of had friends, but I was never really close to any of the cool girls. Whenever I tried to talk to them, I was always told that I was "too young" to hear their conversations.

Basically, I was unimportant until someone wanted something, which they rarely did. I would try to get someone's attention, even my mother's at a very young age, and end up being granted only a few moments audience with them. As a result, I am a VERY fast talker!

Due to all this, I hardly talked on the phone. Written notes were my preferred method of communication. I was me even that far back, so as you can probably imagine, I was a fan of the intricately folded ones especially. I've also always been better at writing than speaking.

I never called anyone because I didn't think they would want to talk to me. They didn't in real life, why would they want to talk to me on the phone? I'm afraid this fear of rejection has carried over into my adult life, because I just don't like to call anyone on the phone. I keep thinking to myself, Oh, they may be busy, or they may be cooking dinner, or they may be eating, or they may be watching Lost, or they may have gone to bed early... you get the idea. It just ends up being me waiting for a better time to call, and that better time never coming. It's so much easier to send an email that they can read when they have time and I don't have to worry about bothering them.

I live in FEAR of bothering people. I don't like when people are annoyed with me, and it feels like I annoy people all the time. I go out of my way to be self sufficient, and to make sure that I fully understand anything that is asked of me so that I don't annoy people when I mess up. I don't want to mess up! I know, have anxiety much?

I wish I didn't have to worry about this. I wish I was the sort of person that other people enjoyed hearing from. I'm thirty two years old but on the inside I still feel like that ten year old pest who can't do anything right and is hopelessly uncool.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Olivia said...

Well, if it counts for anything...I check your blog all day long to see if you've posted anything new. I love your posts, insights, and views on things. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised if you took baby steps towards conquering your fear that there are probably lots of people that would love to hear from you. Our formative school years can sure do a number on us! I can relate a lot to your post. Thanks for being open!

8:20 PM  
Blogger Samara Link said...

Sara, after reading this, I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, only that I wanted to comment and say something. I agree very much with Olivia. It's great that you're open here, and it's interesting to hear your story. (I identify with fast talking -- something I always did as a kid -- hoping I could hold someone's attention long enough to get my thought out. I still do that sometimes as an adult.) I read two quotes the other day that have stuck with me, and maybe they'll be helpful to you.

Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.

It seems to me, through the little window you provide here, that you're well on your way to both. It takes time to develop relationships and connections, but they're out there to be made.

9:17 PM  
Blogger kingsqueen said...

Well, except for the grade skipping part and being younger than my peers - you have described ME perfectly.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Maggi said...

One of the best things about your blog is just how honest you are. I can relate in so many ways. And I hate the phone, too.

9:28 PM  
Blogger ccmommy said...

I HATE the phone. I always think that I am bothering someone or that they really didn't want me to call. If I do have to make a phone call I have to plan on the conversation in my head.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Hooptee said...

Very interesting idea about junior high! I think it's true. You have described me also... And I hate the phone now and do the same thing you do. If it makes you feel any better. I enjoy hearing from you when you blog!! :)

1:55 PM  
Blogger cessc said...

I am not a phone person either for a different reason. I am hearing impaired (I can hear and wear a hearing aid) but I am always fearful I will not hear something important or misunderstand something...Text? Yes please! I realize most of the worls does not work this way lol but that is me...

9:06 AM  

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