It's apparently freak out time
I'm so not ready to have a baby. I decided.
The hospital is very nice, I don't think it's even been open a year. The labor rooms are big, and have the nice big showers with the spray wand thing to help you relax. There is also a Japanese soaking tub with a waterfall from the ceiling available to use, as well as birthing balls, a brand new garden, and room service. They had a menu and everything. There is a fancy photo studio on site, as well as two lactation consultants at all times. You can have Internet in your room if you want to bring in your laptop, and all the labor rooms overlook a pretty courtyard. After you have your baby, as you're moving to your post partum room, Brahm's Lullaby will play for you throughout the entire hospital as a way to celebrate your child's birth. We turned in our pre-registration and insurance paperwork, so we're good to go.
But I think the reality of it all is that THIS IS FREAKING REAL, holy hell, I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY! This is like, a whole other human being for which we are solely responsible. Sure I worry on here, and everyone tells me it will be fine, everything will be fine. Hell, I survived, and look at my mother, right? But still, it's scary. Part of me wishes I had done this years ago, before I had time to overthink everything involved and I was young and stupid and just kinda rolled with stuff.
As we were walking through the hospital, I was really trying to listen to what the nurse was saying, but at the same time I was trying to not have a panic attack. I was just thinking Oh my God, Oh my God, this is REAL, what are we going to DO??? Yeah, they have a bunch of people there to help you out, to lend you support, but you're only there for TWO DAYS! I can't learn how to take care of a baby in TWO FREAKING DAYS!!!
I like to think that my husband and I are both reasonably intelligent human beings with a decent amount of common sense. There are a great lot of idiots in the world, and great numbers of them have raised children that turned out okay for the most part. I keep telling myself that we can do this, that it will be okay, look, the dogs have survived so far, right?
But I'm scared.
I'm such a fuck up. I have really crappy luck, and I know you're not supposed to say that because you get out of the Universe what you put into it, yadda yadda - but really, anyone who has known me for any length of time can see that I'm just not one of those folks that fortune smiles upon on a regular basis. I am the girl who couldn't get a duplicate driver's license because she didn't have the state mandated liability insurance, never mind the fact that I DID NOT HAVE A CAR!!! I'm the girl, if you look at her past employers, at least half are either no longer in business or have suffered to the point where their business has severely downsized in the years since. I'm the girl who signed up for an online "cyber shower" because she was so pathetic that she had no hope of having a real one, and now, out of 21 people who participated, she is the ONLY one who didn't receive anything.
Yeah, I said I'd let it go. I should have. I went and checked anyway, I wanted to see if it was really and truly just me. No one called me from the hotel. I did, however, get a surprise gift that one of my blog readers sent me, which was so sweet.
I just am feeling like a total loser right now, and I'm also feeling really scared and really unprepared for all this. We're going to sign up for the childbirth class that the hospital offers, and the breastfeeding class, but I have a feeling it's going to be like college - where you go in, learn a bunch of stuff, and then once you get out into the real world you're going to find that only like 5% of it all was relavant and they left out a lot of things. At least, that's how it was if you majored in education.
I pray that my child will be born with all the luck that I've missed out on.