Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Final Warning

Some people think I'm really funny. I don't know why. I don't try to be. I'll tell you what I am though:

HONEST.
LOYAL.
SINCERE.

And I try to do things to the best of my abilities. I don't slack off. I know my strengths, and admit my weaknesses. I am proud of these things.

However, other people aren't necessarily like this. They can tell everyone on earth what their problem is except the person they actually have a problem with. They tell you that the only stupid question is the one that you don't ask, yet when you DO ask questions (and therefore open yourself up to vulnerability by admitting you don't fully understand, quelle horreur!) they accuse you of being argumentative or trying to undermine them.

No babe, I'm just asking a question. I like to be CLEAR on things.

If you've read here for any length of time, you would be able to understand when I say I haven't had the easiest of lives. Really, most people could say that, but I'm thinking I have some good evidence on my side though. Up until I was 20 or so, I was treated like crap, by my mom, by my family, by my first serious boyfriends. I finally got to the point where I said enough. I'm valuable, right? Why should someone get to be a total ass to me, and I have to sit there and take it? I told myself that I was the only person who was guaranteed to be with me until the day I died, and therefore, I needed to start looking out for my best interests. No more letting people be mean to me. No more taking crap from people. I said enough, and I tried not to look back.

My intolerance for people being asses to me gets me in trouble though. I really and truly don't get WHY it's okay for people to be rude to me but I can't be rude back. I got written up for it today at work, on FINAL notice no less (it's my first write up and you're supposed to have four warnings, but I only get one apparently). So, because I'm a bottom of the barrel peon clerical employee, a manager can be an ass to me but if I call them on it I get in trouble because they're managers and I'm just support staff. My boss even said, it's not fair but that's just how it is.

I call bullshit.

I don't take being disrespected lightly. I was treated like crap for the first 2/3 of my life and I'm so done with it. Today was a rough day. I've been home crying all afternoon, feeling like a total failure of a human being because the people at work are apparently talking about me behind my back. Never mind the last minute projects I threw together for them. Never mind the kick ass job I did on their marketing materials. Never mind the times I stayed late because someone "forgot" to ask me for something and it came up at the last minute. Never mind how I perform every task on my job checklist completely, thoroughly, and in a timely manner, never trying to pass it off onto other people.

What gets noticed is a question I happened to phrase in an unfortunate manner in an email when someone asked me to do something. I ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION. If that person read it as me being a bitch to them, why not come to me, and discuss it with me? Isnt' that how grown ups are supposed to handle things? I could have told her I didn't mean it that way, and I was sorry, and we could have moved on. Right?

Nope. She forwarded it to HR, my boss, the general manager, and God knows who else, with a snarky "woe is me why is she being mean" comment attached. So I got written up for "lack of hospitality" because she's a manager and I'm a peon.

Oh, and I get told that it's not just that, it's because the general manager feels I argue with him. I barely talk to the man!!! Apparently, he told my boss I haven't been making coffee in the afternoons. Um, yes, I have. My boss says, well, he says you haven't. I'm like, I assure you, I have. She says, well, I'm not going to get into this argument with you. How do you come out ahead in that situation?

Also, there was an incident where a guest wanted me to print something off a USB drive. I was told by our previous IT person never to let anyone do that anymore, because I would get viruses all the time and it would take all day to clear them. Well, the GM caught me telling a guest this, and he asked me why, so I explained to him what the IT guy said. He said never mind that, we do whatever it takes to make the guest happy. I asked, even if it means that I'm down and can't do anything the rest of the day? He said yes.

I ASKED QUESTIONS FOR CLARIFICATION ON WHAT WAS A NEW TO ME POLICY.

Apparently, that's being argumentative in his eyes.

Then again, this man is the control freak who had our maintenance guy use a hacksaw to remove the height adjustment levers from the chairs around his conference table, because he didn't want them moved from his preselected heights. This way, they'll ALWAYS match. And I thought I had OCD!

So yeah, those three things, and I've got a final notice write up. I'm so pissed. My hours have also been cut back, because I was told that I'm obviously not happy in my position (I'm not) but they still needed someone there. That part is fine by me. I'd rather not be there AT ALL.

I feel like such a total failure at life sometimes.

I'm tired of people telling me how good I am, how smart, how creative, how organized, but then trampling me in the next breath. If I'm so wonderful, why does this crap keep happening to me? If I'd supposedly be good at anything, like my boss told me, why can't I seem to be successful at anything?

Of course, I find my mind drifting over to the baby. Isn't it my job as his parent to show him how to be successful at life? How the hell am I going to do that if I can't figure it out myself?

I want to get down on my hands and knees and beg my husband not to make me go back anymore, I don't want to go back to those people. I know that's a tad bit dramatic, but it's how I honestly, truly feel inside at this moment.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

I'm so sorry your day was so crappy. I agree that people don't get to treat you like crap. My mom always said don't stoop to their level. It's hard but it's a pretty good policy. I'd like to write more but my husband is pushing me out of the chair so he can work!

7:02 PM  
Blogger Devon said...

Ugh, I hate working in an office with women. They're so snarky!!! I don't blame you for asking questions as to your job, it seems like it's always changing. You have worked long and hard for them, and done things well beyond the spectrum of your job. They've flat out taken advantage of you. I'm so sorry this is happening, honestly you are better off without them. That's crap that you got written up for this. Big Hugs sweetie, everything will turn out how it is supposed to. You will do a great job showing Sawyer how to be successfull in life.

8:58 PM  
Blogger emily said...

{HUGS} I do agree that an office full of women can often be incredibly challenging and unfair. I think it's so important to be assertive and your own best advocate because no-one else is going to look out for your best interests but you. I wish I could take my own advice sometimes. I'm the type that would not say something, try and smooth things over and end up angry and resentful while the other person is on their merry way. Keep being yourself! You are going to teach your baby how to stand up for himself and be funny! Two very good qualities to have! Have a better day today...

3:58 AM  
Blogger Susanne P. said...

this incident in no way makes you a failure at life nor will it prevent you from teaching Sawyer how to successful at it.

Do you have health benefits there? Are you close to being there long enough to get them if not? Maybe they are trying to push you out for this reason or so they don't have to pay maternity leave??

8:37 AM  
Blogger Miss M! said...

Health insurance is through my husband, THANK GOD!!!

They don't pay for maternity leave here. I won't even get my sick pay, just vacation. You only get sick pay with a doctor's note. Who goes to the doctor for a cold?

Cheap bastards.

9:55 AM  
Blogger SILLY.MICHELLE. said...

Oh Sara! How I feel your pain! My job pretty much sucks ass, yet I've been there for 7+ years! It's so much easier to stay, but I am taking babysteps to another job, where I can do something USEFUL!

Back to YOU! I know it must seem even worse, with all the pregnancy hormones, and such - but you do
deserve better! I don't know if you staying home is feasible - but I bet once Sawyer is here, there won't be much of a choice - baby will always trump everything else. Dearest Miss M, keep your chin up, as you have for so long - I believe in you!

:) Michelle

6:06 PM  
Blogger Barbara Eastwick said...

I pray something better comes along for you. I hope this bad situation is the catalyst to what was meant for you - and that won't be something crappy!

Best wishes and good luck,

Barbara

7:32 PM  
Blogger Barbara Eastwick said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:32 PM  
Blogger kingsqueen said...

awww, honey, I'm sorry you had a sucky day. Some workplaces are just toxic. I know that it would be hard to look for new work when you are halfway through pregnancy too. Would you and your husband be okay financially for you to quit now? If not, maybe you could grit your teeth and stick it out until you take maternity leave. Who says you have to go back there? I'd be getting things together for a resume for sure. I hate it when people in higher positions think they are above others because of "who they are". They aren't any better than anyone else, and don't have the right to treat others like crap just "because they can".

And trust me, if you are thinking of the best way that you can be a good mother, then you are gonna be a perfectly fine Mama to your baby boy. I think a majority have felt what you are feeling - or something similar. The important thing is that you are determined to provide a good life for your child, and not have him grow up the same way you did. That is half the battle right there. You care.
Things will all fall into place.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. I know pregnancy hormones must be running high, but try not to react too emotionally to your work situation. It just gives them more ammunition. If nothing else, keep chanting "It won't be much longer." :) Keep your chin up!

8:11 PM  

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