Friday, August 25, 2006

Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Phoenix area market:

Ahwatukee Barbie:

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or HummerH2, although no vehicle is really necessary, as she can't find her own house. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country Club membership. Optional matching gym outfit. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie drinks margaritas while she entertains girlfriends by the hot tub in the back yard. Percocet prescription available. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.

Apache Junction Barbie:

This Barbie comes complete with dirty, bare feet, acid washed jeans, a classic Metallica shirt, a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder, denim purse from the "Out-of-business" sale at Pic-N-Save and food stamps. If you can afford it, her accessory package includes primer colored 1982 Pontiac Sedan, suspended license and a mutt with 13 puppies. Sorry, Ken cannot be found. Shoes are not available with this Barbie. Now available: Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

Chandler Barbie:

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.

Gilbert Barbie:

Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

Glendale/Arrowhead Barbie:

Owns mini van or SUV bearing vanity plates and the CCV and multiple "my kid is (pick any NUMBER of wonderful adjectives)" stickers, lives in Tuscan or Santa Fe style-home with 2.5 children, one dog, one cat (optional), Ken works as a police officer/firefighter/realtor/construction supervisor. Arrowhead Barbie is fit and fashionable but frugal (she does, after all, help to pay the mortgage), she works outside the home AND in the home, hosts small groups and monthly gatherings of friends and family, does not know how to form the word "no" on her lips and comes with bruise permanently tattooed on forehead from banging head against the wall in frustration because her plate is far too full!

Guadalupe Barbie:

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available at Food City.

Laveen Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of West Side Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a lift kit absolutely free. Available at Ross.

Mesa Barbie:

Pale Blonde shoulder length hair and blue eyes with android - expression, complete with bible in one hand and a casserole dish of Funeral Potatoes in the other. This Barbie sports a special limited edition "What Would Jesus Do?" sweatshirt and drives an American car with an "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" Sticker. Sedan also available with Focus on the Family bumper sticker.

North Scottsdale Barbie:

This Barbie is the most expensive, due to her extravagant outfit: Mink full length coat and 5 carat diamond ring, Prada shoes and Versace pantsuit, with real human hair that has been personally styled by Jose Heber. This Barbie also has a blank stare and is nicknamed Botox Barbie. New, larger breasts sold separately. North Scottsdale Barbie drives a chrome accented Mercedes SUV that has never seen a dirt road. North Scottsdale Ken also comes with Prada outfit and is sold with a snifter glass of brandy and a Cuban cigar.

Scottsdale Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at The Borgata. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a semi-custom dream house with a Saguaro Cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken sold only in conjunction with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.

South Phoenix Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a knife, her own Meth Lab kit, a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.

Sun City Barbie:

These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices.

Tempe Barbie:

Loves booze, Einstien's bagels, and shorts with stuff written across the ass. Is experiencing way too much life to have a Ken doll, a clean apartment, or job that starts before noon. Is probably late for class right now, cuz she can't remember where she parked her white 2001 Civic Coupe. Comes in two models: light blonde and dark blonde. Thinks she saw P.Diddy at Dos Gringos.

3 Comments:

Blogger em said...

They have one these about Chicago area Barbies, too! The one for my town wasn't very nice!!! :)

7:33 AM  
Blogger johnnybarstow said...

jeebus, this was funny!

3:22 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

OMG this is so funny! ;) TFS

12:57 AM  

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