Tuesday, May 23, 2006


Sometimes, I seriously doubt myself.

I'll admit it. I can be a mean, catty person. I take great joy in an afternoon spent people watching and mentally critiquing the outfits of others. No, contrary to popular belief, this is not to build myself up. I know that I am fat, and my wardrobe choices of t-shirts and jeans aren't going to get me on any best dressed lists. It's just kinda fun to me.

I'm also a really bad smart ass. Even though they don't always come out of my mouth, my head is filled with sarcastic remarks. It's just the way that my brain thinks.

I have a tendency to think the worst about the human population in general. I'll never be accused of being a Pollyanna. When asked if I believe if people are basically bad or good, I'll say bad every time. Yes, that includes me. I know that because I am basically bad, and it's easier and more fun to be bad, that I have to really pay attention to what I do and say and try my hardest to be a good person. I think that this is something that most people struggle with.

Maybe it's because of my upbringing. Maybe it's because of all the hurt and hate I've experienced and seen. Maybe it's because of my own internal demons. The world is full of bad people, and I've met a lot of them. Hell, I'm related to a lot of them. It's human nature, to quote a pre-scary Michael Jackson.

The thing is, I am fully aware that I have a mean streak. I know that I am snarky, catty, sarcastic, and all that other good stuff. No one will ever describe me as being a sweetheart. I do want to be sweet and nice though. I think I am nice...most of the time. I try to be nice. I just want to be nice on the inside also, you know? I want to not think the worst about people and not mentally make fun of people and not get irritated so easily. They say that you can retrain your thinking, but I would feel so fake. I think that people who are nice ALL THE TIME and never say anything mean about others are liars. It seems like they are just two-faced, and even though they say the sugary thing they are thinking the bitter one. I'd rather be labeled blunt than be two-faced.

True, I have met some exceptions to the rule, genuine Pollyanna types who believe that everyone is good and who are sweet and trusting. Sometimes, they bug me, and I want to smack them upside the head and knock some sense into them, but I know that they can't help who they are any more than I can help who I am.

I am honest. I don't lie, and I call them like I see them. I don't believe in sugarcoating things or saying that I agree with something that I really don't agree with just to avoid an argument. I know sometimes when to hold my tongue, but I also have situations where I believe that people need to hear the truth, and shouldn't be coddled. In those situations I am not being honest to be mean, I'm being honest to try and be helpful.

So yeah. I am having serious self doubts today. I feel mean and bitter and petty and irritated and I would rather be balled up in bed with my dogs than anywhere else. I feel irritated, because the warehouse where I was supposed to pick up an order wasn't where it was supposed to be. I feel irritated because people complain that someone on staff is messy, yet crap is still left lying about and that person is out of town, so they aren't the only one who is messy. I am irritated that I had to come in and clean up after others because people don't feel the need to put things back where they belong. I am irritated that there were not one, but TWO dust pans left behind the counter. I am irritated that the HUGE box of product was left for me to enter, no one else could do it.

But most of all, I am irritated with myself, for being irritated in the first place.


Blogger em said...

It's funny...I think I am the opposite of you. I try to be nice and good all the time...but really, it's not all that rewarding. I think everybodys got a bit of both in them, whether they admit it or not. don't be irritated at yourself for being irritated, that's life..it happens. :) Just smile and try to have a better day tomororw!!

6:57 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

I'm getting irratated reading this damn post! LOL

Hmmm I see you in a whole different light. Is it the pollyanna in me? Maybe. But I have only ever seen you as good and truly sweet. I really don't believe that you are bad, just trying hard to be nice. I believe you are actually nice, and good, that is your true nature, and there is certainly nothing wrong with being honest and angry and irratated at times. Unfortunately the world is full of stupid, arrogant, selfish, self rightchess, everyone should think the way I do or they are all wrong, me, me, me, people. Did I forget anyone? These people can bring out these feelings you are describing. Find the humour in others miss guided ways and continue on your path my friend, and be thankful you don't fit into that list I gave above...hehehe.

10:06 PM  

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