Monday, May 15, 2006

Nope... still hasn't ended...

So I get this message on my cell phone this afternoon from that girl:

You have painted yourself into your corner and I hope you feel better about it. You and (A) {my friend, not using her name out of consideration for her} are going to isolate yourself from everyone because at this point people are very upset with you and your drama and I always said that we were friends but you continued to rub it in about this racism item which nobody else has an issue with. I don't know what your problem is; I don't know what your issues are with life. I thought that we were friends for a long time. You didn't bring the issue up so now it's my fault that I didn't bring the issue up? I'm sorry I can't deal with this. I am done speaking with you. I really appreciate the fact that your husband came to my event the other night. We really liked the gift that he provided, I appreciate that, um, but I wanted to let you know that at this point if you no longer contacted me, I wouldn't mind. I would appreciate that although I would like to continue to have a relationship with your husband I think that he is a wonderful man I just feel completely bad that he has to deal with your drama and I {can't understand this part} and I hope you have a good life. Talk to you later. Bye.

See, this just reinforces in my head that I made the right decision. This person is not a good friend to have, at least not for me. For instance, my friend (A) had nothing to do with anything. I don't know why she brought her into the situation, unless it's simply because she is my friend and we spend a lot of time together. (A) wasn't even there when any of the events occured, I don't know why her name should be dragged into anything.

As for my drama, I don't get that. So if I get my feelings hurt or if I get offended that's drama? I'll tell you, I certainly didn't talk about it with anyone except my husband the night the incident occured. Yes, I blogged about it, but as I've said before, and even have posted in the sidebar, this is my journal. I don't put any names or identifying information about people on here out of consideration.

Drama would have been if I had made sure to tell all of our mutual friends about the incident and tried to persuade them to not be friends with her anymore. Drama would have been if I had called her and left angry, incoherent messages on her phone. Drama would have been if I had confronted her in a shouting match. Drama would have been if I had shown up at her event and made a scene. Drama would have been if I had forbade my husband to go to said event because I was angry at her. That would have been Drama.

No, instead I chose to keep it to myself, and instead deal with my feelings by writing them out. It's like free therapy. I've been to therapy before, that's all you do is ramble about your feelings for an hour. This way, it's just me and the keyboard. I really don't see how me being hurt and offended is enough for anyone, especially somone who is supposed to be a friend, to be tired of "my drama".

So I continue to rub in this "racism item". Yeah. This is who I am. I don't get why this is so hard to understand. Well, actually I do. See, this girl, there is nothing that she has that is part of her fundamental makeup that would allow her to identify with me in this situation. She has no passion. No religious background, no ethnic history, no part of ever being the minority in any situation. It's not that I am rubbing it in. It's that it's something I am passionate about because it is a part of who I am, where I came from, what my children (if I have them) are going to be. It's important to me.

Of course no one else has an issue with it. I'm the only Mexican in the group, remember? Also, why should they? They weren't there, it doesn't affect them. It affects me, and her, and the other guy who started all of this. If everyone is upset with me over it, fine, let them be. I can't bother to waste time caring for people who don't care about me. If I can cut my mother out of my life, I sure as hell can cut her out of it.

As far as not knowing my issues, I call bullshit. I outlined my issues quite well I think, and in a very lengthy and complete form. I am pretty sure that I covered both my issues with life and with this situation. I do suppose that if someone REALLY cared to know, they could just ask. I'd be happy to share, I have already after all. I'm pretty open.

I'm really happy that she gave me permission to no longer contact her after I had already decided to end the relationship. That was really big of her. As far as remaining friends with my husband, that's not for me to decide. I am not his mommy, and I can't tell him who he is and isn't allowed to be friends with. I will say, however, if the situation were reversed, and I had heard someone spout off the preceding message with the venomous hatred just dripping from every word about him, I couldn't bring myself to associate with that person any longer. I chose him, and he chose me. No matter what, my first allegiance is to him, and I would expect him to reciprocate that view. I have to be honest and admit that I would definitely lose respect for him if he did indeed associate with her in the future. The same holds true for "everyone" else she quoted in the message who supposedly feels the same way. Again, I can't waste my life caring about people who don't care about me. Life is too short.

In the past 48 hours I have gone from being completely happy, to being completely hurt, to being offended, almost having a nervous breakdown, contemplating killing myself because then no one would have to worry about me or my feelings, most of all myself, to hating my husband for defending her, to calming down finally to getting angry all over again. The ups and down and just constant strong emotion are just a lot to deal with just for a normal person, but when I have to add my anxiety disorders to the mix it's just plain horrible. So what if some people may say that is just more of my drama. I envy those who never have and never will understand what it is to have emotion physically hurt to the point where you pray to God to just make you stop existing. I know that anyone reading this would think that this paragraph is a giant red flag, but don't worry about me. I am not strong enough to be able to kill myself. That takes a strength of will that I just don't posess. Besides, it would hurt and I would feel bad that someone else would have to clean up after me.

The thing is, she's upset not because she hurt a friend, but because she is being faced with something about herself that she vehemently denies. It has nothing to do with me. I know her message is more about her than it is about me. It's just that it still stings. I know that until I find out which of my "friends" are truly friends, and which are the ones that she is including in her "everyone," this still will not have ended. I hope I find out soon. I just want the whole thing to be over so I can get on with my life, you know? It's not healthy to be in this place. Hopefully, my next post will be lighter and on a more fun subject.

3 Comments:

Blogger Sexy Bitch said...

What did I do?

10:24 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Sara Fehling,

What are we going to do with you, girl? This has turned into a nightmare. I normally wouldn't consider myself to be the type of person to get into this drama but I just feel the need to set the record straight. Apparently, this is the only way to actually contact you because phone calls don't work (see Sara's post on the voice mail). Who's the coward now? So you might as well just say her name. It may help you in realizing that she is an actual person and not some inanimate object you can just blast on your blog. For Sara's "fans" out there, this "friend" she keeps referring to is Holly, and she happens to be my wife of three lovely years. Holly called me crying today because of the things you called her in this childish blog of yours. This is the reason for my comment (which will probably be deleted for its content... true content). I don't know if it was ever conveyed to you or not, Sara, but that ONE COMMENT that Holly said in the 6+ years she's known and held you as a friend, was a joke. It has come to light recently that you were involved in a similar, but apparently, more sinister joke. I could post the gritty details but it's not important. You know what I'm talking about (Amber's Ex). I think you should find that e-mail you wrote to him and read it again. Hypocrite. Maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Also, just so the facts can be clear, it wasn't just any party that Sara's husband was confronted at. It was my wife's graduation party from pharmacy school. So, Sara, before you go and blast her again, please address her as Dr. Holly. She's at least earned that from you, friend or not. Whether or not you two will ever talk again is still up in the air. Whether I care or not, after reading what you wrote about her, is not. And to your husband, Sara, he is still cool in my book so don't think that by me calling him to come out and hang with the guys has anything to do with you. It doesn't.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Sexy Bitch said...

Can't we all just get along? Geez!
P.S. Jason, didnt Jameson teach you anything about not using names on blogs or live journal! Come on now!

7:18 AM  

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