Hairspray and Trannies and Gays, Oh My!
It was noted that I needed a beer and a cigarette to complete my look. The cigarettes were all the way downstairs, which I decided was way too far, but I did find a beer on the bathroom counter. Score! Here, I'm posing in the classiest manner possible, on the closet floor:
FINALLY, B was ready. We have to be patient, as she's still getting the hang of this "getting ready to go out" business. A and I have been doing it for a lot longer, you know?
So we get to the bar, watch a terrible drag show (Seriously ladies, slow songs? Really?) and then go mingle. They had poles on platforms in there, and these two guys were doing an improv dance/comedy routine. Seriously, we were cracking up! When the one guy took off his shirt, I went over to give that boy a dollar. He deserved it! As a reward for my generosity, he let me take a photo with him:
Well, A wasn't about to be left out of that action, so she gave him a dollar and got a photo of her very own.
We hung out to chat with our new friend Waylon the Pole Dancecr and his "brother" (that's what they claimed) whose name I forgot. Meanwhile, poor B is stuck in the corner talking to this random guy. We decided to leave her be, because hey, part of being a girl is learning how to fend off creepers in a bar, am I right ladies???
I am nothing if not persistent. Of course, then some big drag queen booted us off the platform saying if we weren't gonna spread our legs then it wasn't worth us being up there. CLASSY.
When we got to the next bar, they went in first, and then we followed. Guess what? There was a three dollar cover! And there were three of us! And we only had seven dollars! B, who was putting her purse in the car (it was bigger than the size limit) was cursed by me and A rather loudly, which attracted the attention of Waylon and his brother. They came over and asked what was wrong. We informed them that B told us that there was no cover so we hadn't stopped to get more cash and now we didn't have enough to get in. I then wailed, "We gave you our dollar bills!!!" which the bouncer thought was incredibly funny.
That shot glass sat there while they passed around all the shots and paid the bartender. It was COLD. I was then informed that he was going to drink said shot without using his hands. I was picturing me with cold, sticky, pink liquor down the front of my shirt, but I have to tell you, that man did not spill one drop on me. Them's mad skillz too, yo. To celebrate, we took more stupid photos of ourselves:
Then there was this weird guy who came over and kept posing in front of us. He had no eyebrows, and all we could gather was that he wanted us to take photos of him too, which we did not. Finally he walked away, and as he did so, we noticed that his shorts were sort of sliding down over his bum a bit. Normally, not a big deal, but homeboy was wearing a FREAKING JOCK STRAP!!! That's right folks, we got a nice view of his BA. A tried to snap a photo, but he pulled up his pants in the nick of time.
I went over to see if he'd let us take a picture of him (I was going to pose behind him brandishing a quarter) but he B's shyness attacks were apparently contagious. He asked me where I was from, and I told him. He says to me, "No. WHERE are you FROM???" I'm like, uh, Phoenix? He shook his head at me and gave me this look like I was a stupid child and repeats the question. I repeated my answer - I'm from HERE!!! He let out an exasperated sigh, shook his head, and asked again "Where ARE you FROM???" I was totally confused at this point, because I'm thinking there is some sort of joke that I'm just not getting, and I repeated that I was from Phoenix. He reached up with both hands, fluffed my hair and told me, "Oh no honey, THIS? THIS is NOT from Phoenix!!!" LOL!
Omar had the tightest little body you've ever seen with a tooshie to match. He even dropped trou three times to prove it. Yes, I have photos. No, I'm not going to post them. He also was drunk to the point where he started crying about how he was getting older and how the kids in high school picked on him, and then he referred to his buddy as a "Nosferatu-looking son of a bitch" which was interesting seeing as how minutes before he was telling us about how important it was to have a good heart and all. After a long goodbye, where we were hugged repeatedly and he told both A and I that we were his sisters (as in "you and me - we're sisters now") it was time to leave the bar and GO HOME.