Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Black Wednesday

Oh MY GOD, I am so freaking pissed. You have no idea how pissed I am. Not the good drunk pissed either. I'm talking the mad, I could hit someone pissed.

Okay, so I called the school district since it's been 3 weeks since I took my spanish proficiency test. The woman in HR tells me that they had too many applicants for the positions available. There were only 12, a fact which she verified. Turns out, they do the testing and screening at the district office and then theapplications are forwarded to the schools. It's up the each individual school to do the actual interviews.

Here's the kicker though: they will only send 4 or 5 applications to each school! That means that each school doesn't get to choose from the entire pool, just the ones they happened to get. Not only that, but since there were 12 applicants, and only 4 schools that needed bilingual aides (apparently the non-bilingual positions were filled months ago, and anyone labeled bilingual was not considered for those), my info was only sent to TWO schools out of the whole district!!!

Well, that's what she claimed. See, she said she sent my paperwork to This One School weeks ago, and also supposedly one other school but she wouldn't tell me the name of that one. She said I was NOT under any circumstances to follow up with the individual schools, because that would guarantee me NOT getting hired. She said that there was no way to give me a time frame in which I would be called, as it is up to the individual principal to organize an interview committee and schedule the interviews. Even though she claimed she sent my info to two schools after I pressed her for information, she kept referring to This One School only, so I totally think she's lying about another school having my application information at all.

I reminded her that I applied for this job back in October. Here it is almost March and no one will schedule an interview with me, let alone tell me if I'm going to be hired or not! I told her that I've been waiting because I really would like this position, but at the same time, I can't afford to be out of work this long. She was like, Oh well, I guess you should be looking elsewhere instead of waiting on this then.

She said that I do have excellent qualifications and I'm a very good candidate for the position, but it's out of her hands now that my info has been sent on to This One School. She said that she would call This One School to inquire as to why they hadn't hired anyone yet, as it had been a while since she sent my information to them.

I shared this information with my friend, who works for that district, and she told me that not only do I not want to work at This One School because it isn't very good, but the Evil Witch who Taught Fifth Grade next to me at the charter school when I was teaching sixth grade last year works there now. I'll be GLAD never to see her snarly face again ever, so there went my last glimmer of hope on that position.

Seriously, I feel like I've just wasted four months of my life for nothing. I'm so mad and upset. I know now that I shouldn't have let them string me along for so long, and I shouldn't have put all my eggs in that one basket. The level of incompetence involved in their hiring practices is ridiculous.

I kinda wish I hadn't called them, because now I'm all upset and crying and I feel totally stupid. I have no skills and no experience doing anything except customer service (which means going back to a call center, which is NOT a happy or healthy place) and working with kids. Working at a preschool is NOT an option, due to low wages/long hours/slave duties. Also, who the hell is going to hire an aide this late in the school year?

I feel like I've wasted my life. I have no skills, only part of an education, no experience. I'm like a total waste of space and air.

Add to that I get this strange text message today. It says:

Hi! Hope you and your husband are doing great. Congrats on your Union! I miss you ! Proud of you always!

No name, just a phone number that it was sent from. I'm thinking, who the heck is this from? Congrats on our union? We've been married over three years now! I didn't want to reply because that would be acknowledging receipt, you know? So I mess with my phone and figure out how to keep it from having my number show up on the caller ID of who I am calling, and I call that number back.

It was my MOTHER.

I have not seen or spoken to my mother in over two years now. The last time I saw her was the day after Christmas, 2005! It's not that I am hard to find, on the contrary, I haven't moved, and I've had the same phone number for seven years now. She, on the other hand, packs up and moves, gets pay as you go cell phones for a month or two here or there, decides she hates me, decides she loves me, gets on drugs, gets off drugs, leaves her husbands, gets new ones, gets back together with old ones... it's a mess. Just a big freaking mess.

I know you're supposed to love your mother no matter what, and I do, but I don't like her so much a lot of the time. She's beaten me, allowed my brothers to beat me, allowed them to steal from me, verbally and mentally abused me, called me names, ignored me... she just hasn't been a very good mom all of the time. Sure, I was fed, I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, but there is more to being a good mother than that.

I'm jealous of people who get to go shopping with their moms, who get to go out to dinner with them, who can just spend time and have a normal conversation without worrying what stupid trivial thing is going to set her off THIS time... My mother just turned 46 this past November. I will be 30 in August. She had me too young, I know that. A lot of times, she chose her fun over her responsibilities. Now, I know it could be way worse, because she had this friend while I was growing up, and MAN, her kids were seriously neglected! I'm thankful to the LORD that woman was not related to me in any way, shape or form.

Anyway, she's 46. She's been married 4 times that I know of (the last one she divorced after 7 years, in 1999 or 2000, I forget) she was a mother at 16 and a grandmother at 34 (that's only 4 1/2 years older than I am now! EEEK!). I never told her that I got married. Considering that she got married as many times as she did, I grew up with her always telling us that getting married was stupid and the Wedding March was DUMB-DUMB-DUM DUM! for a reason. Also, when my little brother said that when he told her he got married, she was like, well, that was stupid, what did you go do THAT for? I kinda figured that I was wise in not sharing that tidbit with her.

She was the person who told me, at age 12, what green M&Ms were good for, and at at age 13 why I needed a man with big hands and feet. She was the person who couldn't understand WHY I would want to go to college, and tried to dissuade me from the idea. She was the person who promised me a car for my high school graduation, and took me to dinner at JB's instead, saying that she never expected me to actually graduate. She was the person who told me that she was so disappointed in me that I didn't get pregnant while in high school because she was really looking forward to taking my baby and raising it as her own. She is the person who thinks I'm weird because I'm the only person she's ever known who has never gotten high, not even once, not even on pot, because, you know, pot isn't a real drug. She's the only mother I know who was actually proud of their kid for getting a tattoo, and she made me show it to everyone she knew.

And I know I should call her back, but I don't want to.

Because I dont' know if she's the same, or if she's changed, or if she's going to hurt me again. Because I dont' want to set myself up. Because I don't want to be disappointed. Aw hell, now I'm crying again.

Today is a no good very bad day.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

For Lent, I've given up cursing. Therefore, this is a clean message. Thank God that you have your husband. Regardless of your job woes, he's been there for you. He's here, and you're not in AZ alone and trying to survive.

Your career will come in time. Try changing your rhetoric. You don't want a job (i.e. call center hell); you want to be blessed w/ a career.


11:17 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

sara I wish I was there right now to give you hug. my heart hurt reading this. I will say a prayer for you tonight. hopefully a job offer will be arriving soon.

12:55 AM  

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