So Where Have I Been?

WHOO this is gonna be a hard post to write.

I'm sure some people have noticed I've gone missing from here, Facebook, and Twitter for over a week. At first I was bummed because no one asked about it, but then I realized that people just assumed that I was packing up for our impending move. I would just like to remind everyone that I blogged from my hospital bed while in labor, folks. I'm hardcore, and it takes something very bad to make me disappear for that long.

Unfortunately, something very bad did happen. Let's just say I had a little mental "break" and I found myself committed to a mental hospital. No, I'm not even joking.

That's my intake photo. They take a photo of you as you're being signed in and use it in all of your records. I had been crying for a very long time and my face is super swollen. It looks like I was having an allergic reaction or something. Not particularly flattering. In fact, I think this may be the most unflattering photo of me I've ever seen, and here I am posting it on the Internet.

I'm telling you, HARDCORE.

So what led to me being there? Well, I make no secret of the fact that I have OCD and also suffer from an anxiety disorder. Depression tends to roam hand in hand with anxiety as well. I went off my anxiety meds when we decided to start trying to have a baby, and after he was born I never resumed taking them. Now, to that baseline of mental illness let's add a year or so of pretty bad insomnia. This is not a good combo as it is, but on top of it, add the stress of the situation with the ex-bff, the miscarriage, the money struggles, and the problems in our marriage?

I was pretty much ripe for a collapse.

So, I ended up "voluntarily" (haha) being committed to a behavioral health facility. Actually, I was told that if I didn't go voluntarily they'd petition for me to go by force. There, I got to finally see a psychiatrist and got started back on anxiety meds. They also worked with me to find a solution for the insomnia. Apparently, Ambien isn't even strong enough to beat it alone! There was a lot of therapy, and a lot of rest over the eight days that I was there.

So why write about it? Well, I believe in being honest. This is me, and this is part of what makes me me. While some people might say that I should not be proud of having been to a mental institution, I would respond that I am not proud, but I am not ashamed either. It is what it is. No one is ashamed to be checked into a hospital for diabetes or heart problems. My problem just happens to be one that exists in my mind. It doesn't make it any less real.

The biggest thing about being there is that with the exception of a couple of people, after the initial day or two of being there, everyone seemed normal. Like, if I had met them in a class, or at the park, or at the grocery store, I never would have guessed that they suffered from the problems that they did. Yet there we all were, a bunch of normal people, laughing together, attending group therapy together, sharing our experiences with our mental illnesses.

It's so easy when you suffer from these types of problems to feel like you're the only person who does, that everyone else is normal. The truth of the matter is that most people just don't share their crazy because as a society, mental illness is stigmatized and people are ashamed. I'm sure that everyone who suffers from depression has at one time or another been told to "just snap out of it" already. It's like people think we enjoy being this way, like it's fun or something.

I'm doing better for now. I have appointments set up with a psychiatrist and a counselor. I'm taking my meds and finally sleeping. I'm trying to make it a point to get out of the house for a little bit each day, even if it is just to take the boy to the park next door. I just want to remind everyone who reads this that the old saying by Plato holds true - Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.