Thursday, November 19, 2009

Death of a Friendship - v2.0?

Have you ever loved someone who was an addict?

Here's the thing about addicts - they know they have a problem but refuse to admit it. Even if they do admit that there is a problem, it usually ends up not being their own fault. It's the fault of whatever they're addicted to, daddy issues, a mom who drives them crazy, a stressful job, life in general... just never the addict themselves. They refuse to take any responsibility for their own self destructive behavior.

If you've ever loved or cared about someone who exhibited repeated self destructive behavior, you know how hard it can be. You have to sit by and listen to them bemoan their lives without them ever admitting that their problems stem from their own choices. You have to sit by and watch them make the same mistakes and cause themselves the same hurts over and over again. You want to speak up, and you want to show them what everyone else is seeing except them, and you want to save them, but if you say anything you risk being banished from their lives forever.

I loved an addict. What was she addicted to? A man. They've been dating for four years, and have broken up and gotten back together again nearly a dozen times. It's like he has a handbook on how to be a bad boyfriend and consults it on a regular basis. Gets in bad moods for no reason and takes it out on her? Check. Cheated on her? Check. Gave her STDs? Check. Forgot birthdays? Check. Picked up a BRIDAL Victoria's Secret gift card at the last minute on the way to her house to celebrate her birthday and didn't even bother to fill out the card or put it in the envelope? Check. Decided to become a woman? Check. Lies to her repeatedly about EVERYTHING, whether the issue is big or small? Check. Declares that he needs to be alone and tells her to get her shit and go home but then later goes out with his friends? Check. Hits on other people right in front of her? Check.

The list goes on and on.

Now, does he beat her or otherwise abuse her? No. But the thing is, as much as I love the guy and think he's a great person to have as a friend, he's horrid at being in a relationship. He's all about him, what he wants, what he needs to be happy. He doesn't take her thoughts or feelings into consideration about things so they fight all the time. Hence, the breaking up.

Every time they break up she talks a good game. Oh, she'll never get back together with him EVER and she's just not going to speak to him because that will make it harder to stay apart. She draws lines in the sand (drugs are deal breakers, cheating is a deal breaker, cheating with a man is a deal breaker, getting a sex change is a deal breaker, etc etc) over and over again, but he just laughs as he steps over them and waits for her to draw a new one.

She's beautiful, and smart, and lots of fun to be with, but she keeps putting up with his crap because she's scared to be alone, she has Daddy issues, he provides an escape from home and work, etc etc etc. Over and over I would hear "Can I do this?" and "Can I spend the rest of my life like this?" and "Do you think he will change?"

As a friend, how long do you sit back and say nothing? How long do you watch someone waste their life waiting for someone to give them a marriage proposal and children when you know it's never going to happen? How long do you lie to yourself and say you're being supportive, when in reality what you're doing is enabling her bad judgement and doing your friend a disservice?

So the latest thing with the bad boyfriend is that he sold his condo and is moving into his mom's house. Fine. She's pissed about it, which I think isn't fair to him at all seeing as how she lives with HER mom, you know? I just keep hearing whining about how they'll never see each other and how she will NOT be staying the night there EVER and he better forget that idea because IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

Um, yeah... I've heard that line before. Only thing is, this time I said something to that effect.

Well, the shit hit the fan, let me tell you. Long story short, we got into a big argument and she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore about it, so I went to bed. Things pretty much should have ended there.

Here's the thing though - unlike a normal adult, this over 30 so she should know better woman went on Facebook and was talking smack about me in a status message!!! Seriously, are we fourteen? Oh, and it gets better. See, this isn't the first time she's done this. At the beginning of last year we got into an argument and she did the same thing, only on mySpace. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and led to us not speaking for almost a year. She finally came to me last January crying about how it was the biggest mistake she ever made, could I forgive her, yadayadayada.

Obviously, as evidenced by the boyfriend issues, the girl does not learn from her mistakes.

I, however, do. I'm too old to be dealing with this crap. If you're too immature to realize that friends aren't just supposed to blindly support you, but also be there for you to take care of you and warn you about potholes in the road of life, you don't deserve to be my friend. If you can't have a difference of opinion without having to run to the current social media craze to make underhanded comments about me much like a high schooler would, I don't need you as a friend. If you're too stupid to realize that you once again threw the only person who had your back in every situation, even if you are too blind to see that is what really happened here, then you can just be alone. Forever. Fine by me!

Last time this happened, I cried. I cried for days. I mourned the loss of a friend. Today, I celebrate not having the dead weight in my life. I look back at our friendship and I see now that's what she was. Not all of the time, but for a good portion of the time.

Real friends don't go weeks without seeing each other due to claims of being "too busy" or "too tired" when in reality they are driving past your home several times a week to spend time with their deadbeat boyfriends.

Real friends don't spend the little time you do have hanging out together ignoring you and texting the deadbeat boyfriend.

Real friends appreciate the time and effort you put into thinking of them and their happiness, and acknowledge that even though your life is different, it is just as stressful and busy and IMPORTANT as theirs.

Real friends don't make plans to come over for dinner and then not call or email or text so that you end up having to call them and they tell you "Oh, I changed my mind" at the last minute.

I appreciate everything she did for me, don't get me wrong. I also realize that some people may see me venting here as being the equivalent (and worse due to more words/details) of what she did on Facebook. The fact of the matter though is that this IS my journal, and this IS where I vent about things and this IS where I work out my feelings on stuff.

You know, if it hadn't been for the Facebook thing I would have been over it all in a few days. After all, in relationships you have to disagree about somethings sometimes. It's a part of life. Dealing with immature people, however, I can limit.

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Blogger Kim Kwan said...

Two words: Emotional Vampire.

Hard as i my be, we care-givers tend to attract people like this for whom we can want IT (whatever it is: a better mate, a better job, sobriety, etc) more than THEY want it for themselves.

You did the right/healthy thing for YOU.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Olivia said...

Amen! I had to do the same thing this year with a really good friend of mine. It sucks, but sometimes it has to be done.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Lindsay Teague Moreno said...

yep, sometimes you gotta just let em go. If they're not adding to your life, they're taking away. I had to let go a very old friend this year because she just wasn't adding anything. Don't have time for that kind of stuff. My life is jam packed and I only have room for the good stuff.


12:22 PM  
Blogger Hooptee said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. The above poster has it right, caregivers tend to attract these types. What a shame she's lashed out at you again. You are better off without her.
And btw, we are safe, our addiction is crafty stuff. Totally healthy! ;)

4:44 AM  
Blogger Susanne P. said...

you got rid of a toxic friendship and that is the right step. I agree with Lindsay completely.
I am so sorry that you had this happen again.
Take care.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Another one who agrees ... no need for the toxic relationships. BTDT There's a reason why these people don't have other friends. Sorry you have to deal with this!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Dorie said...

I just read this post! A big WOO HOO to you for letting go of that "friend"!! And looking at the date, happy 1 year kicked her to the curb anniversary!! I had to do the same thing with a "friend" I had for 18 years. Soooo much better without her! Wasn't ever a real friend- what a complete waste.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

I just found your blog thru a photo on Pinterest and saw the title of this post and had to read it!!!!!
Same thing happened to me a little over 2 years now with my SIL, and when S... hits the fan with her it is fury like you have never seen or want to.....30 years I took it because she was married to my only sibling.....well they are both gone and my life has been so much better in so many ways, I can't tell you and I NEVER thought I would loose my brother over anything.....but instead of his healthy life attitudes helping her become a healthy person, her adictive horrible crap with all of the insanity changed him so he couldn't see it in her thank you for writing this, I could almost change a word here and there and have it be my story.....Sandy

2:42 PM  

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