Sunday, December 28, 2008

rearing it's ugly old head again

Something is wrong with me. Seriously, fundamentally wrong with me. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I'm frustrated, and angry. I have so much anger inside of me right now. Like, I could put my fist through a wall anger. I have NO REASON to have this kind of anger or frustration. I don't know where the hell it's coming from.

We've had a few good weeks here. The baby and I are settling into a routine. I don't have time to do "me" things really, but he's not crying all day any more and he's taking naps again. He's also more interactive, if that makes sense, and will "talk" to me and hang out just being happy. I love him so much.

Yesterday we went to a wedding and he slept through the whole ceremony and most of the reception. Everyone commented on how sweet he was, and one person said she had no clue that there was even a baby there at all, he had been so quiet. Today we went and watched football, and our friend had her family in town. Her sister and her mom took turns holding him and he was just happy as all get out all day with all the attention. No fussing, no crying.

Then we got home.

I tried to give him his bottle, and he screamed. He screamed for no reason at all. I'd get him calm and as soon as I tried to give him the bottle again he'd start screaming. Then he got to the point where he no longer would calm down. He cried like he cried when he got shots - that panicky, pained, frightened wailing. I held him. I rocked him. I tried to burp him. I gave him is binky. I bounced him. I walked him around. NOTHING was working, and something inside of me snapped.

I knew something inside of me snapped, and I went and put him in the crib to let him cry. I was so frustrated, and angry. I was freaking ANGRY at a BABY!!! How stupid is that? That made me angry at myself. I was also angry with myself for reacting this way. What the hell is wrong with me that I got THAT mad over him crying? He does this from time to time. Usually I laugh. Usually I can deal, and I know that it's not me, and that sometimes babies do this crying for no reason business.

Not today though. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to kick something, or hurt it or break it, SOMETHING to physically get it OUT of me. I went into the kitchen where my husband had started dinner, and I went to get the measuring spoons out of the drawer to season the soup. Well, one got caught in the organizer basket and I couldn't get it out. I ended up yanking it out with such force that the whole thing slammed into the plastic on the overhead flouescent light fixture and then across the kitchen. My husband went to tend to the baby and I went into the living room and cried.

Then I went into the kitchen to add the corn and green beans into the soup. It was then I remembered that I had only bought one bag of corn when we went to the grocery store and used it on Christmas. Without it, the soup was basically meat and green beans which did NOT sound good, and the baby was still screaming and I got mad all over again. Mad to the point where it wasn't worth it to finish, and I didn't even feel like eating anymore.

As I stood there breaking the frozen beans into bite sized pieces, my husband came in to see what was wrong. (There may have been some cursing to tip him off) What's wrong? I'm standing there pissed off to an unreasonable level because the baby is crying for no reason and I have no corn and I know I'm being unreasonable so that makes me madder and even more frustrated. It's like a giant snowball. Why can't I be crazy and not know that I'm crazy?

Those crazies who think they're sane are the lucky ones, I'll tell you.

I'm ashamed of myself. I know that it's not normal to feel this way and to react the way I did to the situation. I can still feel it, under the surface, like, come on, I dare you to fuck with me so I can kick the ever loving shit out of you! What the hell IS this??? Where did it come from? And I'm ashamed of myself and I feel guilty, because I'm mad at the BABY who is innocent and all I can think about is what if something happens to him, and you don't have him anymore and all you're going to be able to think about is THIS MOMENT and how much you fucking sucked and what a bad mother you were to be MAD at a BABY, your baby and how can you feel like this about your child?

But I can't make myself stop feeling like a completely shitty mother, and I can't make myself get over the feelings of frustration and rage that are just alternating back and forth through me. I know that this is ME and this is MY FAULT and this is NOT NORMAL. I've felt like this before, obviously not about the baby, but I know it's part of the anxiety/OCD/depression chemical imbalance business I've got going on. I need to just get over it, which is easier said than done.

Why can't I just be normal? It's so much worse when you know you're reacting WRONG but you can't help it.


Blogger Miss Anne said...

breath deep my friend.

i have been that mad... i have felt that rage (not necessarily at a baby, but that rage in general)...

you are human.

breath deep, say a prayer, and know you are going to get past this.


10:17 PM  
Blogger emily said...

I'm so sorry. Emotions change minute to minute....they always change which is the nice thing about them but also the hardest. I agree with the first comment...You are Human. You are doing a good job. You had a bad day. Today is new. I know I have irrational reactions to situations a lot. Had a few about Christmas actually...for me the hardest thing is when I know it, others are reminding me of my just makes me angrier! I have been there. Hoping today is SO much better for you!

6:28 AM  
Blogger kingsqueen said...

I know that rage. And I know that something stupid can make me snap sometimes. It's like I've just let so much roll off me that it's the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" and inside I know it's a dumb thing to be angry about, but that makes me even angrier. I *know* that feeling you are having. And you are NOT a bad mother. You did EXACTLY what you should have done in that situation. You put the baby down and walked away. That is the important thing to see - what you did right. And to know that you are not alone in having one of those moments. If it makes you feel any better at all - I had one of those moments one day when I trekked out to the library in the neighboring town to do some research and the librarian told me they were going to be closing about 15 minutes after I got there. I was white hot - over *that*. I was so ashamed of myself later too. It will be okay. I hope you are feeling better today.

8:01 AM  
Blogger mademoisellechitchat said...

Miss Anne is right - deep breaths!


* Have you considered giving the baby some gripe water? A dear friend used it for two of her grandchildren; it cut down on the gas and fussiness. I saw one of the babies going from screaming to cooing in under 30 minutes. She gave him a small bottle of gripe water, and presto, he was passing gas away, but so content and sweet.
* Put a small teaspoon of Karo's Dark Corn Syrup in his bottle. Shake it up. It helps on the gas. My mother swore by this.

Both of these remedies have no adverse side effects.

You are now in my holiday scrapbook. I just posted the pages onto my blog.

Hang in there!

8:18 AM  
Blogger Brooke said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Just knowing that this is the result of a chemical imbalance is a great start. Also, recognizing your breaking point and putting the baby safely in his crib was a healthy thing to do.

It sounds like you might want to make a call to your doctor/psychiatrist and let them know what's going on. Perhaps a slight medication adjustment could be just what you need right now.

1:26 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

What I want to say first and foremost is this is PERFECTLY NORMAL! I would be shocked if there was a mother out there that didn't have this exact reaction at least once. I know I have and my kid didn't fuss that much at all. But sometimes, even when things have been going good, all those little problems still build up and BAM, one silly trigger and over reaction!

I have walked in and handed Asa to Jeff while Jeff was sleeping in the middle of the night and said, "I can't do this." Being a good mom includes losing your temper, but what makes you a GOOD mom is knowing this and walking away from the situation.

Let go of the guilt and shame, because dude, it's gunna happen, again and again. There's even a good chance you aren't so much mad at the baby as you are the situation.

Hang in there girly, cuz I may be crazy right along with ya...hehehe. Quite frankly I think we're the sane ones...shhhhh. ;)

1:56 PM  
Blogger Devon said...

I can't say anything that hasn't been said yet. This happens to every mother. If they say it hasn't then they are lying!

You did the right thing, removing yourself from the situation.

I too was going to suggest gripe water. I used it for Jacob when he was fussy and it helped. Also, is he still on breastmilk? If so have there been any changes to your diet? Anything that would cause him to have stomach issues?
I remember the 1 time I ate peppers, it was horrible. He screamed bloody murder after every time he ate the next day. You also may want to talk with the pediatrician, he may have reflux that is bothering him.

Hugs, things will get better. It's a rough time right now but try to cherish it, he'll be 1 before you know it.

2:03 PM  
Blogger Paula - Buenos Aires said...

Been there, done that. Just wait till he gives you some teen attitude. One minute you think you could happily throttle him, the next you smile while thinking ooooohhhh How he´s grown. ;)
Yes, of course I`m talking about my own baby here and telling you those emotions are normal.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't add anything that hasn't already been said. it's normal. the only difference between you and those who don't admit the anger is your honesty.
i felt it. it's been a long time, but i do remember it.

i do, however, remember hearing you shouldn't give corn syrup to infants, though. i think i recommended it to nina when lily was a baby and her doctor freaked at the idea. i don't remember why, though.

(this is Lynne in case my google name shows up)

6:50 PM  
Blogger Susanne P. said...

i think danea said it all. i can remember taking bailey over to my mom's, handing her over, and telling my mom that bailey didn't like me and then going for a drive. all i needed was to get away from the situation.

you knew when to walk away and that makes you a great mom. we have all been there.

this has got to be a hormone thing. def call your dr and see about adjusting your meds until your hormones settle down.

6:51 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

You're a good mommy. Smart enough to walk away, smart enough to recognize what was going on. You're a real live person not a mommy robot. And we love you. :)

12:54 AM  

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