There's an elephant in the room
Of course, it doesn't look like an elephant. It's actually a really cute, green and white gingham gift bag with a little bow on the front. Inside, there is colored tissue paper and presents for the baby. There's also a handmade card.
From my former best friend.
You know, the one that I "broke up" with back at the end of March? The one who I loved like a sister, who I was closer to than anyone in my actual family, the one I trusted with everything, all my secrets, my fears, my joys...
The one who hurt me, the one who I found out wasn't the person I thought she was, the one who told me, as I sobbed my heart out over what was obviously the end of our friendship, that she was LAUGHING at me for being a drama queen who was only doing "this" because of my pregnancy hormones.
When I got home from the hospital, it was waiting for me in the leasing office. I read the card, and I cried. Then I stuck the card back into the bag, set the bag on the dining room table, and tried to forget it, at least for now. I didn't even bother looking to see what was inside until last Thursday, because every time I thought about it I'd start to get upset again. I knew I'd have to deal with it eventually, but with me being me, I'd just think to myself that I'd deal with it later, and never get around to it. So now, it's been two weeks since the baby was born and she dropped that bag off for me, and I have yet to do anything about it.
In the card, she tells me that she's sorry for what she did. She tells me that she's sorry that she hasn't been here to watch me grow with this baby and to see him born. She tells me that she's been stubborn. She tells me that she hopes I can forgive her, but she's afraid I'll never want to be her friend again.
The first thing to go through my head, my gut reaction, was that this was NOT FAIR. How can she do this to me, how can she do this NOW? I'd finally reached a point where I didn't think about how I missed having a best friend anymore. Not hardly anyway. I wasn't feeling so alone anymore, like I had no friends. I had decided that being miserable alone by my own choice was better than being miserable because of someone else. I stuck to my policy of not having toxic people in my life and standing up for what I believed in, even when it was hard and not the popular thing to do, and I proved that I could survive. That's what I do and what I've always done to make it through life.
They say that to err is human, and to forgive is divine. They also say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." She says she wants to get together and talk. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I don't know if I can even look her in the face yet. She hurt me more than I think she could ever imagine. I miss her and all of the fun we had when we were together, and knowing that I could tell her anything and she could tell me anything, and it would all be okay.
That's gone now. She killed it when she started to ditch me for her fun, single friends. She killed it when she'd bail on our plans to just do housework when she'd had the day before and the day after to get to it. She killed it when she used my unborn child as an excuse to bail out on me, because she figured I would just do it to her after he got here. She killed it when she posted a myspace bulletin basically saying, without naming me, that the reason I had no family and few friends was all MY fault. She killed it when she told me that I was ridiculous for ending a friendship with someone over their hurtful, racist comments to me, because they were "just words" and didn't really matter. She killed it when she blew off my hurt at her actions as just being pregnancy hormones. She killed it when she told me that even though I was crying, all she could do was laugh at me. She killed it when she sent me an email letting me know that she had run to tell everyone in our group what "I" (!!!) had done to her. You know, so they'd hear her side of the story first and she'd get to keep all the friends.
I can't forgive all of that. I definitely can't forget all of that. I don't trust people easily. All my life, people let me down. Every time I start to trust someone, and get close to them, odds are pretty good that something will happen and I will get hurt. It's a sad and pessimistic way to go through life, but if you were to look at my track record, you'd see it's pretty accurate.
And yet, I trusted her. With everything. She knew EVERYTHING about me. She had my house and car keys. We shared everything and I had more in common with her than any other person I'd ever met. It was like God found me a girl soulmate or something, and I was so very thankful. She even has a page in my gratitude album. I would have done anything for her, short of breaking laws of course. And, just like all the others, eventually she let me down, and it was worse than any of the others, because I really and truly loved her.
I cried for days. Anyone who was reading my blog at the end of March/beginning of April knows that. It hurt just as much, if not more, than any breakup with a boy had ever hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt let down. I missed her more than I miss my own mother. Over and over in my head, all I could hear was "All I can do is laugh at you."
And now, she wants me back. And I don't know what to do, except to cry, because it's just not fair for her to do this to me, and to rip the scab off the wound like this. Every time I see that damn green and white bag sitting on the dining room table, I feel this little pang in my chest, and I have to get away from it, and force myself to not think about it. I can't keep doing that, not forever.
She says she wants a second chance, and hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive her. I don't know if I can.