Saturday, November 01, 2008

There's an elephant in the room

Okay, technically it's in the next room.

Of course, it doesn't look like an elephant. It's actually a really cute, green and white gingham gift bag with a little bow on the front. Inside, there is colored tissue paper and presents for the baby. There's also a handmade card.

From my former best friend.

You know, the one that I "broke up" with back at the end of March? The one who I loved like a sister, who I was closer to than anyone in my actual family, the one I trusted with everything, all my secrets, my fears, my joys...

The one who hurt me, the one who I found out wasn't the person I thought she was, the one who told me, as I sobbed my heart out over what was obviously the end of our friendship, that she was LAUGHING at me for being a drama queen who was only doing "this" because of my pregnancy hormones.


When I got home from the hospital, it was waiting for me in the leasing office. I read the card, and I cried. Then I stuck the card back into the bag, set the bag on the dining room table, and tried to forget it, at least for now. I didn't even bother looking to see what was inside until last Thursday, because every time I thought about it I'd start to get upset again. I knew I'd have to deal with it eventually, but with me being me, I'd just think to myself that I'd deal with it later, and never get around to it. So now, it's been two weeks since the baby was born and she dropped that bag off for me, and I have yet to do anything about it.

In the card, she tells me that she's sorry for what she did. She tells me that she's sorry that she hasn't been here to watch me grow with this baby and to see him born. She tells me that she's been stubborn. She tells me that she hopes I can forgive her, but she's afraid I'll never want to be her friend again.

The first thing to go through my head, my gut reaction, was that this was NOT FAIR. How can she do this to me, how can she do this NOW? I'd finally reached a point where I didn't think about how I missed having a best friend anymore. Not hardly anyway. I wasn't feeling so alone anymore, like I had no friends. I had decided that being miserable alone by my own choice was better than being miserable because of someone else. I stuck to my policy of not having toxic people in my life and standing up for what I believed in, even when it was hard and not the popular thing to do, and I proved that I could survive. That's what I do and what I've always done to make it through life.

They say that to err is human, and to forgive is divine. They also say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." She says she wants to get together and talk. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I don't know if I can even look her in the face yet. She hurt me more than I think she could ever imagine. I miss her and all of the fun we had when we were together, and knowing that I could tell her anything and she could tell me anything, and it would all be okay.

That's gone now. She killed it when she started to ditch me for her fun, single friends. She killed it when she'd bail on our plans to just do housework when she'd had the day before and the day after to get to it. She killed it when she used my unborn child as an excuse to bail out on me, because she figured I would just do it to her after he got here. She killed it when she posted a myspace bulletin basically saying, without naming me, that the reason I had no family and few friends was all MY fault. She killed it when she told me that I was ridiculous for ending a friendship with someone over their hurtful, racist comments to me, because they were "just words" and didn't really matter. She killed it when she blew off my hurt at her actions as just being pregnancy hormones. She killed it when she told me that even though I was crying, all she could do was laugh at me. She killed it when she sent me an email letting me know that she had run to tell everyone in our group what "I" (!!!) had done to her. You know, so they'd hear her side of the story first and she'd get to keep all the friends.

I can't forgive all of that. I definitely can't forget all of that. I don't trust people easily. All my life, people let me down. Every time I start to trust someone, and get close to them, odds are pretty good that something will happen and I will get hurt. It's a sad and pessimistic way to go through life, but if you were to look at my track record, you'd see it's pretty accurate.

And yet, I trusted her. With everything. She knew EVERYTHING about me. She had my house and car keys. We shared everything and I had more in common with her than any other person I'd ever met. It was like God found me a girl soulmate or something, and I was so very thankful. She even has a page in my gratitude album. I would have done anything for her, short of breaking laws of course. And, just like all the others, eventually she let me down, and it was worse than any of the others, because I really and truly loved her.

I cried for days. Anyone who was reading my blog at the end of March/beginning of April knows that. It hurt just as much, if not more, than any breakup with a boy had ever hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt let down. I missed her more than I miss my own mother. Over and over in my head, all I could hear was "All I can do is laugh at you."

And now, she wants me back. And I don't know what to do, except to cry, because it's just not fair for her to do this to me, and to rip the scab off the wound like this. Every time I see that damn green and white bag sitting on the dining room table, I feel this little pang in my chest, and I have to get away from it, and force myself to not think about it. I can't keep doing that, not forever.

She says she wants a second chance, and hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive her. I don't know if I can.


Blogger Hooptee said...

That really sucks that she's putting you in such a tough position. I don't know what I would do either. (especially being as hormonal as I am post baby) Good luck with your decision. Just take all the time you need to think it through. And remember, whatever you decide, you still have an awesome family!

5:35 AM  
Blogger Ripley!!! said...

That's awful!!! I just went back and read your posts about your friend, and that is SO sad!!!! At least you've got a bunch of other family/friends that love you!!
(PS. You've also got an adorable baby who's going to grow up to be just like you and tons of fun!)

6:28 AM  
Blogger kingsqueen said...

Only you know if it is possible to do what she has asked. I believe that it is possible to forgive someone, but yet not give them the power to hurt you again. You compared your break up with her to a breakup with a man. If a man had done what she had done, would you have moved on to someone who treated you right? Forgiveness, I learned frees the "forgiver" more than the "forgivee". You can always tell her that forgiveness is possible, but friendship (at this point anyway) is not. Trust must be earned. Since she lost it, she would have to prove that she deserves it again. Or you can simply move on. But if you have given her your forgiveness, then you can move on without that burden inside you.
Whatever you do, do it with thought and care. She has reached out, and done a difficult thing to apologize for her actions. You, as her former friend, should be able to decipher her intentions behind it.
Sorry you've been put in this position, and I hope you work it out however is best for you.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Susanne P. said...

you know sara, i am going to be the glass-half-empty person here.

1. i don't think it's fair of her to use your post-pregnancy hormones along with a gift for the one person you love most in world as a foot in the door.

2. she broke up with you and treated you like crap, publically on her blog and to all of your circle of friends. has this change in attitude and sudden sorriness been done the same way? has she stood up and told everyone she was wrong, that she was stubborn, and that she is sorry?

3. i hate that she left you alone. but you made it. you are the bigger person. has something happened to her like happened to you that makes her need your friendship back? don't let her use you so she has someone.

i know i sound really pessimistic but i just don't want you to get used. if you do decide to give your friendship another chance i would do it on neutral ground for a while. maybe coffee or lunch?

take care.

12:11 PM  
Blogger emily said...

I'm so sorry you are faced with this. Only you know the answer and maybe it is unclear to you yet. Take time to figure out what you want to is your right to take AS LONG as YOU need! You have gotten some awesome feedback in your blog comments... and you have a beautiful new family who no doubt loves you like no one else can! {{{hugs}}}

4:12 PM  
Blogger Miss Anne said...

pray about it.
pray hard.
love your baby and your hubs and your dogs, and pray.

if you feel like you want her back in your life, then call her, if you dont, send a polite thank you and continue on with your life.

you've got bigger stuff going on than this friendship, dont let her "peace offering" overshadow the joys you are experiencing now.

just my $.02.


10:39 AM  
Blogger mademoisellechitchat said...

Sarah, have you considered that your former friend may be envious of the life that you have? It does happen. You're married to a nice man, have a sweet baby, etc. . . There are a significant # of folks who want the same, but simply haven't found it.

Pray on it.

These are my 2 cents.:)


PS: Get fully recovered so that you can invite me over for a delicious meal!!!!!!!!

4:51 PM  
Blogger Samara Link said...

This sounds like a rough go. I'm sorry you're going through it, and I hope you find some peace soon.

8:12 AM  

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