Fears

(Finn, 12 weeks) 

Tomorrow is my ultrasound. The one I've been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading.  I've been doing a pretty good job for the past three weeks not losing my shit worrying about this.  There have been a couple of slip ups, but really, for the most part I've tried to just put it out of my mind.  Of course, with it now less than twelve hours away, it's getting harder to fight off the freak outs.

My OB said that they would do this at the same time that they did the "big" ultrasound.  You know, the one where they take all the measurements and when you get to find out the sex of the baby.  Generally that is done at 17 or 18 weeks, and sometimes as late as twenty.  However, when I called to make the appointment for the ultrasound I was told they did it at sixteen weeks, and they were very specific about getting me in during a certain window of time.

So, instead of being excited about getting to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, I'm worried that we're going to find out that our child is going to have a chromosomal abnormality.  Hell, as long as we're working on worst case scenarios here, I'm worried that they're not going to find the most important thing of all - Finn's heartbeat.  I have freaked out about that every ultrasound I've ever had though, so it's nothing new.

What I am super freaked out about?  That they're going to have to do the amniocentesis, and I'm going to have to be lanced by a giant needle.  I'm scared I'll flinch, and they'll hit the baby and hurt it horribly.  I'm scared of the pain, even though I know they'll have to numb me somehow, right?  Most of all, I'm scared of what that test might tell us.

That means that once again I'll be asking for you to keep us in your thoughts tomorrow if you're the praying type.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.