Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Finding Fault

*** I started writing this last week, forgot about it, and now I can't find the source to link on their forums. It wouldn't shock me if the thread was deleted!***

From the Alli message board:


“how I solved my leaking butt problem”


OK, this is going to sound bizarre but I was at my wit's end. My personal experience with Alli has been that even if I don't take it with a meal, if I have taken it up to 24 hours prior it still has some effect. Needless to say, this has caught me off-guard when I decided to take a 'day off' and have a nice thick rib eye steak. Despite not taking Alli with the meal, I still managed to get 'treatment effects' and wound up soiling a $150 pair of pants in the process. After careful consideration, and being the inventive type, I came up with an idea. Butts aren't the only bodily orifice known to leak, right? And rather than re-invent the wheel why not use the time-tested solution? And so, I made the decision to try a tampon in my butt. The verdict? It works...beautifully. Now I can fart without fear, even if I've been a little generous in my fat intake. The tampon soaks up the grease, letting gas pass on by. Some of you might be noticing that I'm a guy, and so what the heck am I doing with a tampon. Seriously though, just think of it for what it is - a removable wad of absorbent cotton. Heck, when I played football we used tampons all the time for bloody noses. They worked great, and I don't think anyone is going to be questioning a sweaty football player's masculinity. Side tip: If you're a guy that is shy about buying tampons, try the self-checkout at Wal-Mart! Another side tip: Watch out when removing the tampon. They tend to be squishy and greasy. In a pinch, one could probably be used as an oil lamp.

Seriously? I mean, I read about Alli when it was going to come out. I thought it sounded great - that is, until I got to the line about "anal leakage." Uh, no thanks. I don't want to be skinny bad enough to endure oily stuff coming out of my body uncontrollably.

Of course, if you think about it, what an incentive to stick to your new low fat diet. Hey, if you eat too much fat, this bad thing will happen! Better not eat the fat, right? Makes perfect sense. Then someone like this idiot comes along with a "solution" to the problem. Call me crazy, but I'd rather skip the rib eye altogether than walk around with a tampon shoved up my rear end.

The thing that kills me is that this guy is probably going to be on this a month or two, not lose any weight, or very little, and then whine that it doesn't work. This is probably the same guy who whined that diets in general don't work, and exercise doesn't work, when in reality he's cheated on every diet he's ever been on (a day off? Really?) and only goes to the gym once a month.

Don't get me wrong. I know that it sucks to be fat. I know how hard it is to commit to losing weight, and sticking to a diet, and being sure to exercise as often as you should. I hate not being able to eat what I want, when I want, in quantities that I want. I hate to sweat. I hate to be hungry. I hate being fat. This means I am unhappy a lot of the time.

The difference is that I know it is MY FAULT that I am fat. No one is forcing me to eat a cookie. I dont' have a thyroid problem, or any other medical issue that would cause me to gain uncontrollably. I'm the one who is too lazy to get my ass to the gym, even though it's on the way home and my gym bag is in the car. Being fat is my fault.

I was reading this one blog where this woman had weight loss surgery, and she's convinced herself that it wasn't her fault that she got fat, it was the FAT'S fault. She got fat because she couldn't regulate her fat, so therefore she wasn't responsible for any of it. Uh, okay.

Part of me wants to give up. Say, this is me, and I am fat. I eat reasonably healthy but won't turn up my nose at a brownie or some fried zucchini. I know I can't do that though. I look terrible, I don't have any energy, I find myself wanting to cry more and more often in dressing rooms...it's bad.

Add to that my little mind problems, and "I'm fat" snowballs into "I'm a fat slob of a failure who is almost thirty years old and I have accomplished nothing worthwhile in my life to speak of." Not pretty.

BLAH some days I'm a grumpy bitch and I really don't like myself very much.

2 Comments:

Blogger Susanne P. said...

OK, i have had those those thought about myself 10 times over. on some level they never go away. but you are right in saying that it's our own fault that we are over weight. i had no discipline to stick to the right way of eating and exercising like i should. end of story. i still don't exercise. sometimes i eat like crap. i still have those old tendencies. those never go away.

so, QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!!

and, at first i thought you got this off of Ali Edwards' blog. and then you said you had thought about it when it was going to come out and i thought you said when "you" came out. i was like, dude, you're married!

i need to go to bed!

9:50 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

A butt tampon. Wow. O_o That is certainly inventive. I think I would rather take my chances with metabolife which gave me a seizure (thanks ephedra) over having myself ... leak.

Anyways, I am so where you are. It's my fault and it sucks. :l

11:48 PM  

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